Jocelyn In Texas

I'm not cool, I'm just a dorky fan girl

2011-11-13T16:35:00.000-06:00

On Saturday, my backward town had a miracle. Okay, not really. But it was a miracle from my point of view. My favorite blogger/writer/photographer came to town and did a book signing. Ree Drummond, aka The Pioneer Woman, blessed my little corner of the world with her awesomeness.

There she is. When I finally got with in sight of her (after almost three hours in line) the first thing that popped into my head was "she's so pretty." I surprised myself. I didn't know I had a little crush on her, but I guess I do. I think it's the red hair. I've always wanted to be a red head.

If you notice, I mentioned standing in line for nearly three hours. I'm not kidding. The line wove in and out of the stacks, around the whole store. I was lucky enough to get in the front portion of the middle, so my wait wasn't nearly as long as it could have been.

Lucky for me, everyone in the line with me was really nice. Despite the long wait, no one got grumpy or acted tacky. And the cool thing was, Ree's family was there and posed for pictures.

I think they felt sorry for all of us stuck in such a long line. I was lucky enough to get to visit with her hubbie some. (Super nice cowboy, by the way.) He said her book signings were always super crowded.

Anyway, to make a long story short, I got to meet one of my heroes yesterday. And it turned me into a dork fan girl. Here's a picture to prove it.

Goodbye until the next opportunity for public embarrassment presents itself.

Jocelyn In Texas
The fan girl

Muscle Milk?

2011-10-13T16:59:00.002-05:00

A lot of the guys are work with are on a Muscle Milk kick lately.

And I can't help but think that Muscle Milk comes from cows that look like this.

Anyone else? Or is it just me?

World Arthritis Day

2011-10-12T13:33:00.000-05:00

Today is World Arthritis Day so I thought I'd put together 10 tips I've learned about dealing with arthritis.

Photo from schoolofdisciples.files.wordpress.com

Tip #10: Be honest. If the people you love are worth having in your life, they're worth telling. Odds are, once you stop pretending to be well, you'll find that there is a lot of love and support waiting for you.

Tip #9: Respect your limits. Your body will tell you when you've gone too far, done too much. Listen. And then stop and rest. It's better to say, take two days to finish a project, rather than push past your limit and end up spending two days in bed afterwards.

Tip #8: Laugh. Life is nothing without laughter. Yes, arthritis sucks. But find the humor in it. Walk with a cane? Add a horn to it. Need a wheelchair? Put racing stripes on it. Have fun where ever you can. Don't let this disease still your sense of humor.

Tip #7: Don't be a dweller. Again, arthritis sucks. A lot. And in reality, it means a less than sunny future for many of us. But don't loose yourself in the darkness of this disease. It does no good. And it will most likely chase away your support group. And nothing is worse than facing this disease all alone.

Tip #6: Swallow your pride. Don't be too proud to ask for help. Don't be too proud to admit you need to go home early from work to sleep. Don't be too proud to call your doctor and ask for meds. Where this disease is concerned, pride is trouble. Pride can keep you from getting help or rest or relief.

Photo from eugenecho.files.wordpress.com

Tip #5: Rest. Studies have shown that most Americans are chronically sleep deprived. Those of us with arthritis are no different. This disease steals our sleep. So don't be afraid to take a sleeping pill or muscle relaxor (in moderation please, they're addictive). You need your sleep to deal with all the road blocks that come your way.

Tip #4: Don't give up. I know that arthritis can steal your will to go on. But you have to keep going. I look at it like this, if I give up, arthritis has won. I don't ever want to let it win.

Tip #3: Connect. Connect to other people with your type of arthritis. Your friends and family may say they understand, but unless they're sick too, they really don't. Get yourself a support system of fellow arthritis sufferers. Even if they're just an online group, they're an invaluable source of support and understanding.

Tip #2: Let go. Let go of your anger at this disease. Arthritis can't but hurt by your hate. It won't make it stop hurting your body. It's a daily struggle, I know (trust me), but let go of that anger. It will just start to taint every part of your life.

And finally....(drum roll please).....

Tip #1: Never forget that arthritis is a war. Fight every single day against what this disease can do to your body. Fight what it can do to your mind. Fight what it can do to your soul. You may not win the war (until medical science catches up to our needs) but you can win the small battles.

Fight on everyone!
Jocelyn (In Texas)

Goodbye

2011-09-05T16:51:00.000-05:00

Today, I had to say goodbye to an old friend. A four legged friend named Trigger.

Trigger was first owned by my old and dear friend Mel. Then, he became my friend Misty's horse. And finally he came to be with me. The three of us have been friends for 10+ years. This weekend, Mel was back in town for the first time in years. It seems fitting that today was the day Trigger decided to say goodbye to us all. I know he's up in Heaven happy as can be. No more sore knees. No more skinny ribs. No more of the less than good things that went hand in hand with being an old horse.

Goodbye Trigger. I'm blessed to have some of your hoof prints on my heart.

Why I've sounded like a crazy person lately

2011-08-26T17:42:00.000-05:00

As you all know, I've been planning to return to school to get a Masters in Social Work. But what you didn't know is that lately, I've been going through a rough patch. I'd been down and grumpy and feeling pretty much not like myself at all. In the past week, everything sort of snowballed and I had a mini meltdown. And here's the story why. Or rather two versions of the story why.

The short version...

I realized that the Social Work program wasn't for me once I sat through orientation Wednesday night. So I have withdrawn from the program. I'm going to de-stress and hope to return in the new year with a new plan put into action.

Long version....

I've been feeling not right for a month or more. The closer I got to the start date for my program, the more not right I felt. I was grumpy and short with everyone. I wasn't sleeping. I wasn't hungry. I wasn't finding enjoyment in the things I always enjoyed. I was faking being happy most of the time. And I blamed it on the constant 100+ temps. And on the never ending drought. And on the insane cost of hay.

When I was reading the syllabus for one of the two classes I had been planning to take, I realized that instead of feeling pumped about it, I was looking at assignments, thinking up ways to get out of them. And I said, "I shouldn't feel this way if Social Work is where my heart is." Okay, I really said "What the #$%# have I gotten myself into! I don't want to do this! Mommy!" I decided to at least go to the program orientation and listen. And then think and pray and pray some more. In the course of the day before orientation, I talked to my oldest and dearest friend, K, who sometimes knows me better than I do. And she told me that if I was feeling so freaked out, there was probably a reason. She asked me what I was passionate about. Obviously photography. (Which you knew.) But something you probably don't know, that K did, is writing. I've always wanted to be a writer. And to work around writers. It's the only thing, aside from horses and photography that my love for has never wavered. So K said she'd pray for me to figure things out. And I went to orientation after work.

I have never, ever felt so uncomfortable in my life as I did in that meeting. There were 2nd generation social workers in there. People who run domestic abuse shelters. People who work with troubled kids and mentally challenged adults. Substance abuse counselors. People who have, from an early age, dedicated their lives to working toward becoming a social worker. I felt like a fake. Like an impostor. And like a fool. It was so, so clear. My heart wasn't in social work. Not one bit. It was a job that I knew I could do well, so I thought I'd change to that career.

So after a long talk with my mom, and a quick talk with a second friend, I went to bed, praying to figure this out. And when I woke up at 4am the next morning my first thought was, I want to go write. (I'd started a short story a few weeks ago and its been constantly on my mind since.) And that told me my answer. Social work really and truly isn't for me. So I withdrew and now I'm going to research jobs in the publishing industry and masters programs in English or Literature. I'll probably prepare to take the GRE or GMAT depending on what info I find out about masters programs. And I'm going to write a bunch.

The end of my story is that, for the first time in months, I laughed without faking it. I sang along to the radio in my car. And I feel like I'm no longer carrying around a ton of bricks. I feel free and optimistic again.

The moral of the story is to listen to your instincts. They'll let you know when you're on the right path. The other moral is, just because you could do something, and do it well, doesn't mean that your heart is in it. And you can lie to yourself. And you can lie to others. But you can't ever convince your heart that the lie is the truth.

~Jocelyn (the crazy woman)

It always comes down to money

2011-07-06T15:11:00.000-05:00

With the rapid approach of my first semester of grad school I've started sweating the tuition. About 3 grand a semester. I can't even think about what the cost books is going to be.

With the troubles with my health insurance, I've started sweating the costs of alternatives. About 2 grand a year through the University. Self insure programs start at about 5 grand a year.

You add those two up and you get me, stressed out and worried. Should I quit my job, hit my savings and bust my but to finish school quickly to lower the amount of tuition I'll have to pay? Should I keep working, take out a loan and stick to my plan of finishing in 3 years? Should I scrap grad school altogether, suck it up and stay in a job with no real future in a town I no longer want to grow old in? Should I say to hell with it all, sell my house, the horses and most of my stuff and move to Ireland like I've always wanted to do?

I've applied for, and been denied, financial aid. I've applied, and not gotten, scholarships. I'm walking into this totally on my own.

Now, I'm a realistic person, so I know, that at age 34, the odds of me finding a husband are slim to none. I'm okay with that. In fact I gave up on the idea of one person for everyone a long time ago. But right now, I wish I'd settled years ago for a guy that was close enough, just so I'd have someone in my life that has my back, both financially and emotionally. Facing such a huge challenge and a life change all on my own is daunting at best. And now, when the cost of things as me rattled to my core, I'm ready to give up and run for cover.

The one thing I do know is, I'm not living the life I want for myself. I know that I'm not using my brain and my talents to the best of my ability. And that's the reason God gave them to me. So something has to change so I can become the person He wants me to be. I know I have to press on and face these challenges. But I'm going to admit, just this one time, I'm scared as hell about all this. And I don't know if I'm going to come out okay on the other side. And I hate that.

In the end, it all comes down to money. Really, the lack of money. Because if I just had more in savings, or less bills, or a higher income, or some financial aid, or a scholarship or some other magic thing to help, I know I'd be just fine.

Are you kidding me?

2011-06-24T15:10:00.000-05:00

If you've read my blog for any amount of time what I'm about to say won't be any surprise to you. If you're new here, well get ready to learn some stuff about me.

My name is Jocelyn. And I have arthritis. I was diagnosed at age 10 which means that for over half my life, I've been in pain and on medication. But I'm not going to talk about the ups and downs with the disease today. Today I'm talking about medication. And the hurdles placed in front of me when I try to get what I need to be a functioning human being.

Recently my employer changed insurance from the wonderful BlueCrossBlueShield to United Healthcare (UHC), a company I'd never even heard of. Despite the massive amount of stress this alone caused, I was ready to go with the flow and just adjust to the new company and plan.

And then the shit really hit the fan. I got on UHC's website just to see what my two arthritis meds would be costing now, honestly expecting them to go down. That's what the info I'd been given said would happen. I was told that the new copay would be $30 for meds. Which was good cause on BCBS it had been $40. But noooooo. I don't get the low copay. Now my Celebrex is $60 a month. And my Enbrel, the medication that gave me my life back, is $353. Now if you're good a math (or good at finding a website that will calculate a percentage) you'll see that's an over 800% increase. For one medication. I take 4 other meds for other health problems but didn't even check their costs. Because I can't afford to buy both of those meds each month. Let alone all 6.

So now I'm trying to find out if this new cost for my Enbrel is standard across other insurances. Hopefully it isn't. Hopefully its just United Healthcare trying to royally screw people over and not everyone. Thankfully, both Celebrex and Enbrel have support programs to help you pay for your meds. I just don't want to depend on those because they're usually limited to 6 months or a year.

What I do know is this:

I'm now so stressed that I think I'm getting an ulcer.
I don't think people should have to take out a loan to pay for their medications.
Health insurance doesn't make your life better, it just makes you pissed off.
It would be easier and cheaper for me to quit my job, go on unemployment and let the tax payers pay for my medical expenses.
The idiots in Washington and the greedy jerks that run health insurance companies have really f#$&ed up our health care system.
I hate Obama, but I have to agree, a comprehensive national plan really would be wonderful, because with no one to stop them, pharmaceutical companies and insurance companies are going to ruin the lives of every person in this country.

I've never considered myself a political person, but this shit makes me want to march on the capital and demand someone fix things right, fracking now.

A prayer for rain...

2011-06-20T12:03:00.000-05:00

Got the prayer below in an email today and wanted to share it. For those of you that don't know, Texas is in the middle of one of the worst droughts in 100 years. We have lost over 3 million acres to wildfires since November. My part of Texas alone (the Panhandle) is over 11 inches below our normal rainfall amount. Some parts of the states are close to 20 inches below normal. Please, please, please pray for rain. For Texas. For Oklahoma. For New Mexico. For everyone in need.

Thanks.

Jocelyn

O Lord, in thy mercy, grant us rain and by that we don't mean a shower. We want to go out and watch the lightning rip across the southwest sky in hot blue forks as the fat clouds roll in on us. We want to scramble all over the house, just as the first sheets descend, frantically slamming down the windows.

O Lord of Hosts, we want to look out of the windows and watch the regiments of close-packed raindrops march diagonally down. We want to hear the gurgle of gutters under the eaves, and then the spatter of the downpour.

O God of Abraham, Issac, and Jacob, let it come down so hard, let the drops dance so high that the streets and sidewalks seem covered with a 6-inch fog of spatter drops, then let it just keep up for a while, and then begin to taper off and then turn rights around and get a lot worse: swishing, pounding, splattering, pouring, drenching, the thunder coming Crackity-BAM! And the lightning flashing so fast and furious that you can't tell which flash goes with which peel of thunder---so that all the women will get scared and climb on top of the beds and scream at you not to get too close to that window. And then, O jealous God, repeat the whole act about three times and in the middle of the second time we will climb the attic stairs and put a wash tub under that tiny leak in the roof which you don't usually notice in an ordinary rain. After a couple of hours, kinda taper it on down, O Lord, to a good steady rain...not a drizzle, but a business-like one that keeps on until just about dawn and the spits a few drops occasionally during the morning from a gray sky.

Texas is indeed the Promised Land, O Lord, and if it gets a break, it will flow with milk and honey, but we can't live much longer on promises. So in Thine own way and Thine own time, make up Thy mind, O Lord, and we will bow before Thy judgement and praise Thine everlasting name. Amen.

(from Farm Show Magazine)

It's been a while....

2011-06-14T08:43:00.000-05:00

I'm a very bad blogger. I haven't written a think since the new year. Shame on me. But I'm going to change that. Starting now. So get ready, my lovely readers, all five of you. Because I'm starting grad school in the fall. And I'm going to be writing about that. A lot. You'll probably get sick of me and I'll go back to having one follower.

But before the grad school madness takes over in a few months, how about a little catch up. What's happened since the last time I posted. Stuff like that.

Firstly, and most obvious, I got accepted to grad school. I'm heading back to get a Master's in Social Work. After a lot of thought and prayer it's become clear that a career change is needed in my life. And I think that this will set me on the correct path for the next chapter of my life.

Secondly, my sister Teresa got married. Look at her. All purty. And Josh is such an awesome guy.

Here's another photo. From the left we have Josh's sister Hayley, me, Teresa, our sister Elaine and our sister Mary Catherine. I love these girls so much. I'm so blessed to have them in my life. Thank God I searched for my b-fam all those years ago.

Thirdly, Elaine up there had another baby boy! Sweet William Layfette joined our family. Here's me with Will.

And Elaine and her hubby Brad with the boys, James and Will. Aren't the just the sweetest family?!

Fourthly. Well, I don't really have a fourthly. Those are the main events in my world. Some minor health speed bumps have popped up. But they're already resolved.

So thanks for stopping by. Stay tuned. I promise to post more often from here on out. Oh, and if you're a praying person, please pray for rain. We're in the middle of one of the worst droughts the Texas Panhandle has seen in almost 100 years. We're in big trouble with grass fires and dust storms. Any and all prayers are welcome.

Peace out!
Jocelyn

A new year

2011-01-10T16:46:00.000-06:00

This year I was lucky enough to again ring in the new year with my birth family. Despite my sister Elaine and my birth mom Cathy both having to work (they're nurses and it pays big money to work nights), it was a wonderful end to 2010 and a great start to 2011.

My trip started out a little rocky (see my previous ~~rant~~ post about my lost luggage) but it was really wonderful all the way around. Here are a few of the many photos I took during my trip.

My nephew David, wailing away on the drums

Elaine and my soon to be born nephew Will at her baby shower

Mary with Elaine's other son, my sweet nephew James

My b-mom Cathy and James, reading his favorite book

James and his pillow pet

Teresa at her bridal shower

Today

2010-12-30T07:42:00.000-06:00

Today I'm waking up in Georgia surrounded by my awesome birth family. There are birds chirping outside my window. I'm far, far from Texas and the howling wind and blowing dust. I'm so happy to be here instead of home.

However....there is a bit of a damper on my trip.

American Airlines lost my dang bag yesterday. Apparently, asking someone to transfer my bag from one plane to another in Dallas was way too hard. All the other people that flew with me from Amarillo to Atlanta, no problem. The travel gods were smiling on them. Me however. Not so much.

So, somewhere, out there (if you just pictured a cartoon mouse singing you watched American Tail too much as a child, just like me) is my bag. Now, the loss of a bag and the trouble of replacing the clothing in it is distressing and a pain in the butt. But there are other things in my bag. One dozen handmade gifts for my family. Including a baby blanket I spent months knitting for my sister. When you add that into the missing items total you can get an idea of how unbelievably angry I am.

At 12:30 today my bag will have been MIA for 24 hours. American had better find it and get it to me before then or I'll raise a stink the likes of which they have never seen. I will have my bag back. Damn-it yes I will.

Feeling better.....

2010-12-02T11:39:00.000-06:00

Recently, I went to see the movie Love and Other Drugs. It's a great film. If you haven't seen it, I'd go. The main theme of the movie is love overcoming obstacles. The female lead has a chronic illness - Parkinson's. And the movie shows the strain her illness places on both her and her boyfriend. At one point in the movie the couple is attending a Parkinson's support group. The boyfriend is talking to the husband of a woman with Parkinson's. When he asks for advice, the older man tells him to leave and find himself a healthy woman. And at that moment, all my fears about dating and relationships came to the surface.

As someone who has struggled with a chronic illness (Rheumatoid Arthritis) since childhood, I don't have a normal relationship to look back upon. I've never been well so I don't know what it's like to have normal interactions with a man. Every relationship I've always had has been tainted by RA. When I try to hide it from the man I'm dating things go badly. When I'm upfront about it, things start better, but the men always seem to disappear the first time I flare up and they see that I really am sick.

When that man said to find a healthy woman, he spoke the words I'd always feared. Because I know that is probably why most of my brief relationships have ended. Hearing someone acutally say that cut me to the core. It makes me feel that the life that lays before me will be lonely. Because I can't become a healthy woman. And real life isn't like Hollywood. There isn't a guy like the boyfriend around every corner. Most will run and look for a healthy woman rather than stay and watch the person they love suffer and struggle day after day, year after year.

My online support system, The RA Chicks, has a discussion board. And there's a post right now about this very subject. And reading the comments shows me that my fears are not unfounded. Women are talking about ending marriages, engagements and such because of their RA. Husbands leave. Boyfriends leave. Friends leave. RA never leaves.

Reading the discussions on RA Chicks haven't made me less fearful of trusting a potential partner. But they have made me feel a little better. Because at least now I know I'm not the only single woman with RA out there struggling, and often failing, to find someone to love.

RA is a hard thing to live with. And I don't want to ask someone to be part of my life and my struggles. Because I know how it can tear you down. But it sure would be nice if someone wanted to be part of my life anyway. It would be nice if someone would look at me, all sick and broken, and say "I don't care. I'm not walking away. I'm going to stay and walk beside you and help you." I hope someday to find that person, even though the odds are against me.

Something I just don't understand

2010-11-15T12:58:00.000-06:00

Earlier this year I ended two friendships. I was no longer getting anything from either person, but was instead giving them everything. These two women were literally sucking the joy out of my life. Ending things with them both caused a lot of hurt feelings, caused them both to say some very hurtful things. I knew that I could never make them see my side of the situation. That would have required them to look at something from another person's perspective, which, at the time, wasn't something they were capable of. Its been several months now and I'm a happier person. I'm a better friend to the other people in my life. I regret the hurt feelings my actions caused, but I would do the same thing again. It was the right thing to do.

But something I don't understand is why, after all this time, one of these women is now texting me. Saying things like 'I miss you.' Then switching gears and being passive aggressive. I don't think I'll ever understand where this is coming from. Or why she can't let me go. Or why she can't seem to turn to other friends and leave me alone.

My hope for her is that one day, she'll find that she can define herself without the approval of others. And that she can stand on her own without a friend to cling desperately to. And that she'll find self worth within herself and stop looking for it in other people.

Today, my best friend said I reminded her of the Black Knight from Monty Python and The Search for the Holy Grail. You know, the knight who gets his arm chopped off and says "tis just a flesh wound." I love that she, and hopefully others, see me as someone who keeps going despite the hurdles life puts before me. And I wish that this former friend could find that strength within herself too.

What a world

2010-11-02T09:18:00.003-05:00

You all know about my experiences finding my birth family and the ups and downs that came along with that search. But something I've failed to talk about it how much my search has touched my friends and allowed them to open up about how adoption has touched their lives.

One life long friend shared told me, and other, for the first time that she was adopted when she heard me talking about my search.

Other friends have opened up about giving up children.

Others have started thinking about adopting children.

And just last week, one of my best friends found out he has a big sister. And met her. And announced to me that she is super cool. And that coolness must be genetic.

I love that as I've shared the wonderfulness that is my own adoption story it's positivity impacted all the people around me. It's like ripples on a pond, going out and out, touching lives you never thought you'd reach.

A List...of Randomness

2010-08-09T13:25:00.002-05:00

1. My weekend was terrible. All I did was work. I have the blisters on my hands to prove it.

2. But I'm going to Colorado tomorrow, so I don't care.

3. Saturday, my resident bullsnake, Bob, came by the barn. I'd just knocked down a bird's nest so I gave Bob one of the baby birds. He was thrilled.

4. I'm a little worried that I'm going to hell for feeding baby birds to snakes.

5. But I'm going to Colorado tomorrow, so I don't care.

6. Our receptionist's boyfriend drives a car that looks like it's from The Fast and The Furious. I've never met him, but I love him because of that. If I had a car that should have been in that movie, I'd have gotten my driver's license taken away by now.

7. I once got a speeding ticket 2 miles from my house. With my best friend in the car. Right across the street from my church. The only way it could have been more embarrassing was if my mom had drove by and waved while the sheriff was chewing me out.

8. Once the sheriff was out of sight, I started speeding again.

9. I have a hard time learning some lessons.

10. But I'm going to Colorado tomorrow, so I don't care.

That's the way things always go

2010-08-05T13:41:00.002-05:00

Last month, things were really looking up for me at work. My boss came and praised me from my hard work and asked me to help out our wildly overworked drafting department. I jumped at the chance thinking I was finally going to get the chance to do something else than my normal hum drum job.

Last week I finished the extra work from the drafting guys and was sent crashing back down into my actual job. I printed, labeled, folded and mailed almost 2000 mailers.

This week I'm pulling out staples from equipment records and scanning them into our archives.

This sucks.

I'm so very glad I start back to school soon. Cause the hope I had of things changing here at work has been dashed. And I'm back to planning for a new career where I'll hopefully be doing something that won't make me want to hurl a staple remover across the room.

Stuff.....

2010-05-12T09:45:00.003-05:00

There's a lot running around in my head today, so I'm blogging about it. That's how I process. I blog. Aren't you lucky that you get to read my ramblings?

Thought numero uno. One of the best photographers I've ever seen added one of my photos to his favorites on Flickr. I'm tripping out cause I feel like I'm putting out stuff taken with a point and shoot camera compared to him and his greatness. Here's a link to his stuff. Be in awe.

Thought number C. I want to fast forward like 3 years to the day I'm done with school and can finally start my career as a social worker. Considering that I have yet to take my first class, this does not bode well for how patient I'm going to be over the next 3 years.

Thought number 5. I'm re-reading the Harry Potter series right now. It's possible that I'm a little too into the books as I've had dreams about being in the Order of the Phoenix for the past several nights.

Thought number 12. The word 'thought' is starting to look spelled wrong to me.

Thought number E. Last night I had a dream that it was a second Great Depression and I was at the store and people were freaking out and a little kid tried to steal from me. I caught him and called some nearby cops over and one grabbed my boob. And I beat the crap out of him. Dream me has anger problems apparently.

Thought number 5a. I use Windows Vista at work. And I'm on a Mac at home. My work computer makes me want to pledge my undying love for my MacBook. And makes me want to swear a lot.

Thought number 29. I want to steal away my sisters and go on a fun, sister vacation. Cause I think all of us could use some thing like that in a bad way.

Thought number R. Since ending two friendships, my life has gotten so much better. Which makes me feel that, even though it was hard and feelings were hurt, it was the exact right thing to do.

And finally, thought number Purple. A monkey could do my job right now. And that makes me question some things. I think I need to do some research about a school costs and part time job offers and health insurance through the school and make some decisions.

Things I'll Never (Ever) Understand. A Random List.

2010-05-11T13:25:00.002-05:00

Lately (well, today really) it has become painfully obvious that, while I pride myself on being a smart person, there are some things that my poor brain is not wired to understand. So I'm making a list of the stuff I wish I understood right at this point in time. Mostly just to get it out of my head. There's other things I need to store in there and it's getting crowded.

How video games work. And why I can't stop playing them.
Why my feet are always cold. Seriously, it's almost 80 degrees outside and I want to put my feet under a blanket.
Men. I mean really guys, what in the world do you want from me? I don't know what it is you expect from me, but you just gotta come out and say it. I don't pick up on hints well at all. I'm a blunt person. Be blunt back. You're not gonna make me cry.
How health insurance works. That ones scares me a bit. I should understand it better than I do.
How people can write a check to a company each month to pay their bill and still not be able to find that same company in the phone book. I work for Excel Machinery. The power company is Xcel Energy. Does anyone not see the spelling difference there?
How people claim they're making the education system better yet the kids graduating now seem to know nothing. That one really worries me. What's gonna happen to this world when the generations after me are in charge of things? The world will fall apart if they don't put down their cell phones/iPods/laptops/etc and start using their brains

Umm. I think that's it for now. Let me think for a sec.......yup. That's all.

Now if anyone out there can answer these questions for me that would be awesome.

Anyone?

Hello?

Post surgery update time!

2010-05-05T08:39:00.002-05:00

Well, I'm happy to report that the surgery on my wrist was a total success!

After a delay of almost an hour they finally took me back into the OR. The surgery team was awesome with the laughing and joking and putting me at ease.

The doc large bone spur on my wrist was rubbing a tendon. Which = ouch!

They filed down the bone spur so now that tendon will be all happy again.

I can take the bandage off on Sunday and then just can put a band aid over the stitches. The stitches will come out on May 19th. Notice that I'm not saying anything about therapy? That's cause they don't think I need any. Yay!

That pretty much sums it all up. I'm gonna teach my Mom how to do my hair this afternoon. Should be fun. :-) And I'm back to work tomorrow.

Tomorrow....

2010-05-03T15:24:00.002-05:00

I am having surgery on my wrist.

Gulp.

The doc isn't sure what's wrong with my wrist and why it hurts so much all the time, but he does think that he can at least get rid of some of the pain by going in and cleaning up and/or repairing the damage done by a lifetime of arthritis.

I'm hopeful that he's right.

I'm hopeful that he will be able to fix things with out opening my whole wrist up. I've heard that most exploratory wrist surgery arthroscopic these days. Which would be wonderful because I want to regain use of my right hand ASAP.

I wish I could fast forward because by this time tomorrow it will all be over and I'll be back at home in my comfy bed, in my PJs, hopefully alternating between snoozing and watching TV.

Sigh. Were did I leave my time remote control?

Oh well.

Anyway, once I'm up to typing, I'll post about the surgery.

Wish me luck everyone.

Gulp.

What people don't know...or realize

2010-03-30T17:46:00.003-05:00

Today I reached a breaking point with two friends who happen to be in the middle of a personal crisis. And I pretty much told them both to stand on their own two feet and stop expecting me to be their emotional donkey, carrying their burdens for them. Which, of course made them both pull out their passive aggressive guns and start taking shots at me.

What I don't think they know is that when they share their problems with me, they become my problems too. That's just the kind of person I am. So of course, I want to help and I offer advice and share what I think would work or help.

What brought me to my breaking point was all the times I've been ignored. And made to feel stupid. And told I couldn't possibly understand. And told I don't have enough empathy. And told countless other things that are rather hurtful.

I know that they are both deep in the midst of deep, dark problems that prevent them from seeing how they are acting toward other people. But that doesn't mean that I have to hang around and continue to be their emotional punching bags.

I will love them both always. And will continue to think of them as dear friends. I will just do this from a distance for a while until they can both get their feet under themselves again.

I know at some point they both will probably read this. And probably get mad at me all over again. But I just had to get this out of my brain and on to paper so to speak.

To my two friends....I love you both more than you know. And I will pray for you both during this troubled time. And if I've hurt you, I'm sorry. But I need to protect my own heart for a little while. I just need a break as my own troubles are enough to carry right now.

Importantly Unimportant Things to Share

2010-03-04T14:34:00.003-06:00

I feel the need to share the following bits of news with you, my lovely readers. (That's me pretending people acutally read this darn thing.)

When I came home from work two days ago I was greeted by this.
My dad was at my house and had let Ice the dog out. He was thrilled that I was home. He met me in the garage. And said howdy. Then left to resume stalking the horses. It's his main joy in life, much to the horses' disappointment.

I'm pretty sure this picture is magic. You'll want to save a copy of it.
I sent it to my sister Elaine the other day when it was sleeting and cold at her house in Georgia. The next day it was sunny and beautiful. She and I both think the picture is responsible for the weather change.

Today I've trimmed my inbox down from a horribly large number to 7. I've never felt so accomplished.

The end.

Changes are coming

2010-02-26T16:02:00.002-06:00

Well.

Gulp.

I'm doing it. I'm going back to school.

Scary. Very scary.

But I'm doing it anyway.

Why you ask? (I heard you asking.)

Because I'm not happy with my current career. If you can even call it that. Point is, I'm going nowhere. And I don't want to go anywhere with this career anyway. I want to do something that's important. That makes a difference in peoples' lives. So I'm gonna do that.

After I make it though school, that is.

I'll do my best to share the ups and downs of my journey on my blog.

What will my journey lead to? (I heard you asking that too.)

Well, I'm gonna become a social worker. I want to focus on adoption. And if you can't figure out why I want to do that...well gees, are you new here? Read my archives and you'll understand.

Gulp, again.

Off to research ways to pay for this journey.

Goodbye for now.

A brand spanking new year

2010-01-01T09:59:00.002-06:00

Happy New Year world! Hopefully everyone survived their New Year's Eve celebrations. This year I rang in the New Year with my b-fam in Georgia. We partied hard. I mean hard. We played Monopoly until 2am. Playing this game was rather eye opening. Here's what I've learned.

My brother-in-law Brad is easy to distract. We all should have paid him a lot more rent than we did. Thankfully he spent more time talking about how we should pay him rent than making sure we paid him rent.

My sister Teresa will argue with a wall. And will hold on to a random piece of property until the end of time because she likes the color.

My future brother-in-law Josh is the best banker ever. And he will help Teresa on the sly when we're not paying attention.

My sister Mary gets the least into the game. But she won't miss it if you land on her property and will demand her rent before you've let go of your piece.

My sister Mary's boyfriend Christian is 1000 times more competitive than me. And is rather funny when he gets mad at us for getting distracted and not playing the game.

It was an awesome night! I loved that I got to do something for the first time that other people with siblings grew up doing-have a fun family game night.

Because I probably spend too much time online...

2009-12-11T11:19:00.004-06:00

I thought I'd share a list of my favorite websites.

www.mysterygoogle.com Pretty much the most fun a random loving person such as myself can have with Google.

www.mylifeisaverage.com Warning, this will suck up all of your free time.

www.jayisgames.com Because online games are even more awesome when you can read awesome and often hysterical reviews of them first.

www.cracked.com Sarcasm is great. Sarcastic 'news' stories are even better.

www.lovelylisting.com Why realtors should try harder when the take photos of properties.

www.thepioneerwoman.com Just go there and stay awhile. PW is awesome. Simply awesome.

www.cakewrecks.com Cakes=great. Badly decorated cakes=awesome. Badly decorated cakes with funny commentary=super awesome.

www.peopleofwalmart.com This website is the real reason I always carry a camera.

2009 Hot Air Balloon Glow

2009-11-02T13:31:00.003-06:00

This past weekend was our annual hot air balloon rally here in Amarillo. I knew I'd have a busy weekend of chores so I wasn't sure I could make much of the events. Thankfully, I did make it to the very first event. The Friday night Glow. For those of you who've never been to a hot air balloon rally, the glow is when they inflate and light up all the balloons. People are invited to wander around and walk right up to the balloons. They never lift off so it's an amazing experience. Here are some of the many photos I took at the glow.

So....um....yeah....

2009-10-08T08:51:00.004-05:00

I've been a very bad blogger lately. If fact, I don't even deserve to be called a blogger. I haven't posted a thing in months. Shame on me. I've failed my readers. All 5 of you. :-)

I've been busy. Beyond busy in fact. And I'll tell you all about what's been keeping me away from my dear sweet blog in another post. This post has a different purpose.

It's all about the shameless plug today.

You see that there? That's a screen shot of my photography website. Yup. My very own photography website. Finally, I got my site done. Well, started. I still need to add a lot of pictures. I'm waiting until I can get them all watermarked first. But the basic site is up.

And you should go there. And look at it.

And never tell me if you see anything wrong. My heart couldn't take it.

Just kidding. If you see a typo or something please tell me. I can't proof my own stuff to save my life. That's why I need people like you around.

10 things I hate about arthritis (today)

2009-08-31T14:15:00.002-05:00

1. That my meds make it super hard to heal after getting hurt or sick.

2. That I have to give myself a shot once a week if I want to be able to function.

3. That I never sleep well because I never stop hurting.

4. That being over tired or in pain can make me a bitch to the people or animals in my life.

5. That sometimes after riding, I hurt so bad that I wonder why I even ride.

6. That my meds often make it hard for me to focus.

7. That doing things can take me twice as long because I have to be super careful to not hurt myself.

8. That a simple act of clumsiness can leave me hurting for days.

9. That I have to count out my weekly pills each weekend to keep from forgetting my meds.

10. That pain keeps me from enjoying things that I used to enjoy. And that it can make me afraid of trying new things too.

Did you ever?

2009-07-30T09:19:00.002-05:00

Did you ever have the feeling that you're faking everything in your life?

Did you ever have the feeling that it's only a matter of time before everyone figures out that you don't know what you're doing?

Did you ever feel like you're nothing but a big phony?

Did you?

Cause I'm having one of those days.

I think I'll just hide in my office until it's time to go home.

Because....

2009-07-28T15:22:00.006-05:00

Because today has been dull and I haven't blogged in a long while I hit Etsy.com to come up with some random crazy stuff to share with you all.

It's been a while since I've shared some random crazy with you hasn't it?

I'm so sorry.

Forgive me?

Awesome.

And away we go.....

First on the crazy train....Mime Mallow. A mime marshmallow toy. Cause you never know when you'll need a marshmallow mime during the course of your day.

Next stop....a Large Nubby Zippie. This one made it on my list because of the line "Ohh la la! Nubbed for your pleasure!" in the description. Not sure what I'm supposed to do with this thing. Or why it's nubbed for my pleasure.

Next, for the aspiring crazy cat lady in us all.....Muffins The Cat Hat. Cause nothing makes you seem more scary crazy than wearing a hat that makes you look like you're a real cat person.

And also in the strange hat category.....I Am A Pony Mohawk Hat. Cause....well I don't know why. I'm lost for words.

And last but not least....a mini felt catus who's, umm, happy to see you.

My pal Arthur

2009-07-09T16:10:00.002-05:00

***I originally wrote this in the hopes of getting it published in an Arthritis related publication. But it's become clear that's not going to happen, so instead I'm sharing it as a blog. Hopefully someone with arthritis (or another chronic illness) will read it and be helped by it. That's my goal at least.***

When I was 10 years old I came down with what my parents first thought was a simple case of pink eye. After seeing the eye doctor, it turned out they were mistaken. What I had was Iritis – an inflammation of the iris that made my eyes red, tender and very light sensitive. This was to be the very first symptom of arthritis for me. Thanks to my eye doctor making this slightly obscure diagnosis (only about 25% to 30% of people with arthritis will get Iritis) I was sent to a rheumatologist who diagnosed me with Ankylosing Spondylitis (AS). For those of you that don’t know, AS is more common in adolescents and young adult males, and is usually diagnosed between ages 13-35. It is also most commonly seen in Native Americans. So this was an uncommon diagnosis for a girl with Irish and German roots. As I grew, it turned out that this would become a theme for my health issues. Uncommon. That would be me as I started my journey with arthritis, or as I came to call it my pal Arthur.

For the next year and a half I was medication and pain free. I had occasional flare ups of Iritis, but those too began to fade as I grew older. At age 12, AS arrived in my life with a vengeance! I was attending a week long horse camp when, just a couple of days into camp, my foot swelled up. The counselors thought I’d been bitten by a spider so my mother was called. After a day of treatment and zero improvement, I went home. My massive foot was so tender I couldn’t walk. Thankfully my mom called my rheumy and got me in that same day. My AS was flaring for the first time. And I hurt. I hurt worse than I ever knew I could. I hurt in places I didn’t know I could hurt. I did get to go back to the final day of camp, not to ride, but to watch my friends. When asked why I was not riding I stuck with the spider bite story. I had found out quickly that it was easier to make something up than to explain having arthritis to my peers. So instead of riding my camp horse in the final program I got to start on the first of many different medications – Naprosyn. Thankfully it worked quickly and it worked well.

So I stayed on Naprosyn it for the next few years. It kept my symptoms under control and helped me stay active. I was able to join 4H and, at 13, buy my first horse. I started to go to horse shows on the weekends and live a normal life as a horse loving teen. I joined the yearbook staff at high school and between school, yearbook and horses, I was a busy kid. It was no surprise I was tired a lot. I went 90 to nothing every day. Even though I didn’t want to admit it, I knew I was much more tired than I should have been. A two day horse show would wear me out for a week or more. I had to take a break after cleaning just one stall. Lifting my horse’s saddle on made my heart pound. Something was wrong. But I ignored it. Saying I’m as stubborn as a mule doesn’t even come close. I’m as stubborn as about a dozen mules. Finally, my wonderful mom made me go to the doctor.

The next day she called me at school in the yearbook office. I was very sick. I needed to be admitted to the hospital. True to form, I refused the ride and drove myself home…and walked into the hospital under my own power. The doctor told me that my medication had eaten a tiny hole in my stomach. At that time, doctor’s weren’t really aware how hard Naprosyn was on your stomach. I had a bleeding ulcer and severe anemia. I’d most likely been bleeding just a tiny bit for months, maybe even a year. My red cell count was not even close to what it should have been for a normal 16 year old. I remember the doctors being surprised that I was still up and walking around. I didn’t give a damn. I was just mad that I was missing a horse show.

I know that I was an unpleasant patient. I was mad at the whole world. I was rude to everyone who came into my hospital room during the two days it took to get my count up to where it should have been. But everyone was still very kind and understanding. So I was released and went home. I was now armed with a mess of new medications including an iron supplement and a medication to help protect my stomach. To this day, I know that my stomach never totally healed from this. I still have stomach problems and will probably battle anemia my whole life.

Of course I wasn’t thinking of stomach problems when I came home. I was overwhelmingly sad that not a one of my friends had come to see me. Or sent a card. Or anything at all. I had dropped off the face of the earth for several days, missing school and other things and no one seemed to care. This was the point where I started to lose trust in people. I put a wall up around me to keep all people out. I’d gotten a taste of how hard being sick could be and how much it hurt when people didn’t care. From then on, I only let a select few people into my life. I bore being sick alone. I even kept it from my parents and family. I know that even now many of my extended family members don’t know I’m sick. I became very good at pretending everything was fine. But I also got depressed.

Finally, I was paroled from the nightmare that had been high school and was off to college. I walked away from almost everyone I’d known in high school and joyfully started a new part of my life at college. I could start over here. No one would know me; I could be whomever I wanted. So I started to reinvent myself. I became more outgoing. I joined a club. I joined the intercollegiate equestrian team. I made friends. I went to parties. For the first time in my life, I was not the nerdy, strange girl. I was popular. And I loved it. But I still was pretending things were fine. And I was still keeping people on the outside, afraid to let them know my secret. I was able to hide my arthritis for the first two, three years of school. Then my meds stopped working. Just stopped. And I hurt so bad I could barely walk from class to class. This I could not hide. Not from my closest friends – one of which is now as close as a sister.

College was great for the most part. I made friends that I’ll have for the rest of my life. And I also learned that even in college, saying you have arthritis guarantees that some people will think you’re lying. So I kept making up stories to explain things. Horse related injuries. Sleeping wrong. Not sleeping enough. I was creative. And almost everyone thought I was a hypochondriac. And that hurt. Looking back, I know that the fault was all my own. I just needed to trust them, but I’d forgotten how to trust. I needed to share that I was really sick, not faking it. But that lesson would take me a while longer to learn.

By the time I graduated I was on new medication – Celebrex – and back to feeling close to normal. Celebrex and medications like it have gotten bad press the last few years for causing increased risk of heart attack and stroke in patients taking the medications for long periods of time. Despite what people say, Celebrex is a wonderful medication. It saved me then. I hurt so much and was so depressed that I prayed to God to take me. To end my life and my suffering. To let me shed this broken body and come home to heaven. But He told me no. And gave me Celebrex instead. And He led me to my first job after college, at a medical facility.

Working there was just what I needed. I was able to be around medical people who understood being sick. For the first time in my life I was able to come clean about being sick. And it was so freeing. I was able to take charge of my arthritis rather than let it control my life. I was even able to handle the added diagnosis of Rheumatoid Arthritis (RA) very well. It was just one more thing to deal with and I could do that. I also found out that I could trust people with my arthritis. I’ve discovered that, with proper explanation, people can understand what I go through daily. And they don’t walk away from me. Or think I’m faking the pain. I’ve found that I can lean on my friends and immediate family when I need to and that it doesn’t make me weak, but in fact, helps me to stay strong.

I’ve had arthritis for over half my life. I can only vaguely remember what it was like to live a life without pain. I hurt every single day. I will continue to hurt for the rest of my time on this earth. Some days are better than others. Thankfully, the bad days are few are far between. I spent most of my life since my diagnosis angry with God. I didn’t understand how He could put something like this on me. I was young and I had my whole life before me. I’d planned to become a horse trainer, something that I was good at and loved very much. I was going to have my own barn someday and become someone special in the horse world. Arthritis has crushed that dream. And coming to terms with that has been the hardest thing I’ve ever had to cope with. I’ve tried to manage like I’ve always done, push through the pain and the limits with pure force of will. But I can’t. No matter how I’d like to pretend, in reality, my body won’t allow me to live the life with horses that I want so desperately.

For the last few years I’ve been letting go of this dream and trying to find a new one that I’m actually capable of reaching. I’ve also been trying to let go of my anger at God and to let Him take the lead in my life. Finally, thanks to the constant understanding of some great, Christian friends, I can say that I’ve been able to start accomplishing this step. There are still moments where the anger pops back up, but I say a prayer and ask God to take that anger away from me and He does. I’ve let him take control and things are falling into place. I’m happier now. And I’m able to handle the bumps in the road that come with arthritis, and with life. I’m not alone in this. God walks beside me every step of the way. And in addition to having Him beside me, I have my friends and family too.

To everyone reading this, I’m not writing this to gain pity from the world. That’s the last thing in the world I want. I don’t feel sorry for myself. I don’t want anyone else to either. I write this to help you understand. Arthritis does so much more to a person than damage your joints and bones. It can break your spirit and your heart too. I hope that my words can help people to see that.

To the people who don’t have arthritis, I would say to you this: be understanding. Arthritis is a very hard burden to bear, especially when we are young and have our whole life ahead of us. It has very little outward signs in some people, so it is hard to see that someone is genuinely sick. Those of us with this disease feel very powerless and out of control and angry. If someone you know has it, the best thing you can do for them is be there for them, in spirit, with a gentle hug, with kind words. Help when you can see they need it.

To those of you with arthritis, I don’t have any wise words of amazing insight to share. I don’t have any answers to the despairing questions that make you angry. Buy I can share a little advice. Be strong. And fight. Don’t let this disease control you and your life. You need to stay in control. See your doctor, take your meds. Look at alternative therapies too, such as vitamins, that might help you. Everyone is different, so keep trying different things. Stay active. The more you move the better you’ll feel. Find something that you enjoy and do it. Go for walks. Ride a horse. Swim. Don’t be too proud to take pain medication when you hurt. Educate yourself about your type of arthritis. Learn what causes you to flare. This will help you to know when one is on the horizon. And most of all, know that you’re not alone. Not only are there other people in this world sharing this illness with you, God is there too. So pray. The power of prayer is a wonderful thing. He’ll help you through this. You just have to let Him.

I’m praying for you all. And for a cure. So that hopefully, in the future my pal Arthur will be a dim memory.

Honest...I swear!

2009-07-03T21:49:00.002-05:00

Thanks to long time friend (since age 4, wow!) and fellow blogger Amy for passing this award along to me.

"The Honest Scrap award comes with a caveat or two. Firstly, you have to tell your readers ten things about you they may not know, but that are true. Secondly, you have to tag 10 people with the award. Thirdly, let all the people you've given the award to know that they've gotten it (comment on their blogs or something). And finally, make sure you link back to the person who awarded you."

Here goes my 10:

1) I am totally obsessed with a TV show that didn't even last a full season. So much so that I will bust out with random lines from the show almost daily.

2) I get stir crazy if I'm stuck inside by bad weather or heat or even illness. I've gone outside for a walk in a blizzard before and I was back out taking care of my horses a day after having hand surgery.

3) I hate when my socks get dirty. But I'll walk around barefoot and get my feet filthy. That, for some reason doesn't bother me.

4) I am very uncomfortable when I'm dressed up and in a fancy setting. I'm only ever 100% me when I'm in comfy cloths and slightly dirty, usually with a good dose of horse hair on me. :-)

5) Now that I've moved out into the country, I can say with total certainty that I'll never live in a town again.

6) I hate to grocery shop. My mom gets my groceries for me in exchange for taking care of my dad's horse.

7) I want to get an old Airstream trailer and travel cross country for a year and just see all of America.

8) I would move to Ireland in a heart beat if I thought I could safely (and affordably) ship my horses over there.

9) If I could be anything, I'd be a writer.

10) And finally (drum roll please), I can't walk past a bookstore. And I can't walk out of a bookstore without a new book. (And on a side note, one of my favorite books is The Jungle by Upton Sinclare. I love it so much that I feel a need to buy a copy every time I see one. Thankfully I control that compulsion because I really don't need a dozen copies of the same book.)

Now I know I'm supposed to pass this on to 10 people. But I don't have 10 friends who blog. So I'm bucking the system and forgoing that requirement. I know, I'm nothing but trouble. :-)

Got an email....from my b-dad!

2009-06-24T12:52:00.006-05:00

And the email came with pictures. Of my half brothers.

This is Nathan and his little boy Trent. Trent lives with his mom in Arkansas.

This is Matt with Trent.

Tada! Now we have faces to go with names. Too cool.

Now let's talk about the email. Yes. I did say email. But Jocelyn, you ask, how did Ken get your email address? Well, loyal readers, I tracked down his address and sent him a Father's Day card. (Can't hide from me. If it's on the internet I'll find it.)

The email itself was short but sweet. He said sorry for not writing me a second letter. His business has been rough thanks to the down turn in the economy but is now picking up. He's sad that his grandson has moved to Arkansas. But both his boys have moved back to Odessa so he's happy about that. He even said to give Cathy his best.

Very cool over all. Very very cool

Knitted Madness

2009-06-09T15:53:00.006-05:00

Okay. One last blog then I'm stopping for the day. I promise.

People who knit, I applaud your skill. But sometimes, what are you thinking?

What every home needs. A felt branch of seaweed.
Also, knitted cup cakes. Okay, I admit it. These are really cute. But why?

Now comes the strange stuff. A cozy. For your apple. That looks like...your apple.

Or perhaps your apple just needs a simple sweater to keep warm.
Or is it summer in your part of the world? Than your apple needs a jacket.

And don't worry little pear. You can have a snazzy jacket too.

Okay, so I know the blog is about knitting. And that swimsuit is not knitted. But it was just too strange not to share.

Fun Times With Online Shopping

2009-06-09T14:58:00.007-05:00

So you all know I'm a fan of Etsy.com. They're wonderful. But you find some random, strange stuff on that site. Today I did a search for glass paperweights. I collect them and I'm always up for something unique to add to my collection. I had no idea the fun I'd have with this search.

May I present you with Creepy Alien Hand with Red Finger Tips. (I know it's not a paper weight but it shows up in the paperweight search so I'm including it.)

This one made me giggle like a 12 year old boy. Cause I have the dirty sense of humor of a 12 year old boy.

I call this one Heart with X-Rated Growth. Yikes! (The artist apparently loved this design. They've got it in like 20 colors. All look...well, phallic. I'm all about a ring holder, but come on.)

And the description: Handmade history paperweight of the Obamas letting us know "Together all things are possibele".

My best friend got in on the crazy Etsy searching and found that gem up there. Yup. Those are fetus cards. *Shiver.* I won't even put the description up. It just makes the whole thing even more disturbing.

So then I did another search. I collect thimbles too. (No snide remarks about my odd collections please.) I wondered if Etsy sellers can make thimbles odd and or creepy.

Yup. They sure can. Anyone else see earthworms on this thimble? No? Just me then.
This one is just awesome. And funny. Also odd cause all the pictures have the hand in the black knit glove in them. It's like a mime's thimble. A mime's nun thimble.

I could keep going. There are bizzare purses too. And clothes. And art. But I'll stop. Good to know that I'll have plenty to blog about in the future though.

California Weekend Recap - The Final Chapter

2009-06-09T08:36:00.008-05:00

Yes, I know, it's been over a week since I went to Cali. I'm slow. Forgive me.

Oh, what am I saying! You'll forgive me when you see the lovely pictures from the beach wedding. Yup. Lovely pictures of a beach wedding = forgiveness.

Enjoy and forgive away. :-)

I know, I know. That's neither the bride nor the groom. That's Lisa. She's 16 and a dancer. And this is my new favorite picture.

Yes, I know this isn't a wedding photo. But it is a very rare picture of myself, my mom and my aunt. Just had to share.

California Weekend Recap Part B

2009-06-02T16:44:00.009-05:00

The morning before my cousin's wedding we went to the Mission San Juan Capistrano. What follows is some of the 200+ pictures I took while there. It's beautiful. No, it's stunning. If you're ever in the San Diego area go visit. Especially in the spring/summer. The flowers will knock your socks off. Enjoy the pictures. And hold on to your socks.

California Weekend Recap Part Uno

2009-05-31T11:50:00.007-05:00

Well after two days in California I'm heading home. Blogging from the San Diego airport - yay for free wireless internet. Sunny California was not so much sunny as cloudy, rainy and dreary. I officially like Texas better. But it was still a fun trip. Got a little drunk with my cousins at the rehearsal dinner. But that's okay, cause most everyone ended up a little drunk that night. And it didn't keep me from taking lots of pictures. Many of which I'm quite proud of. So here you go. Pictures from the rehearsal dinner.

My cousin Corey, Julie (who's not family but we like her anyway) and Kelly (who's just like family cause she grew up next door to my cousins)

Cousin Spencer, Kristen's sister, cousin Mike, Kristen and cousin Corey

Spencer

Corey
Random cute kid
Some of the guests
Mike and Kristen
Mike and Kristen with the cake.

California Adventure

2009-05-28T15:38:00.005-05:00

Yup. That's right. Jocelyn is going to California. San Clemente to be exact. Why might you ask? Because my (younger) cousin is getting married. On the beach. Now, on the surface this sounds like fun times. But oh, my lovely readers, it is not. You see, my cousin is marrying a woman 6 years older, whose been married before. In my southern baptist family that's darn near close to marrying the devil. My mother and his mother are both wearing black to the wedding. *Sigh* As the forever-single member of the family I'm happy for him. You love who you love. You find someone that you want to make a life with, to hell with what everyone else thinks. Go for it and I hope it works out well. But this is my family, so of course no one agrees with me.

So tomorrow I'm heading out. Head first into all the drama. There will be adult beverages consumed. But in moderation since I'm photographing the rehersal dinner and the wedding. Don't worry, I can take great pictures with a drink in one hand. I've practiced.

Oh, and yes, I'll be blogging the whole time. And updating with Twitter too. So keep watching folks. It's about to get very interesting.

A Shameless Plug

2009-05-21T14:55:00.006-05:00

I've recently opened my own shop on Etsy.com in an attempt to sell my photography. If you don't know Esty, you need to. It's a wonderful website*. A great way to find unique gifts. Most are homemade but there is lots of vintage stuff there too.

But that's not why I'm writing. I'm writing because I haven't sold a single picture. So I'm shamelessly plugging my Etsy store. See, here it is. Right now there is just a few pictures in the store, but more will be posted soon. Possibly in the next hour. Depends on how motivated I stay. But, if you are wanting a photo to give as a gift to someone, or just hang up in your house or office, or car or something...go to my site. Check it out. Cause I've begged you to. :-) www.JocelynInTexas.etsy.com

*Etsy isn't asking me to plug their site. They don't know who I am. Or if they do, they don't care. But the site really is awesome. Go visit today!

My new lens!

2009-05-14T21:24:00.007-05:00

Yep. That's right. My new lens finally found it's way home. And I love it. So I must share some of the very first photos I took with my little traveling lens.

This one has got to be my favorite. It's the first time I've managed to completely capture CC's attitude. See that look there, she's using her Jedi mind trick skills to make me put down the camera and fill up her food dish.

Kids Are Strange

2009-05-13T10:36:00.011-05:00

I was lucky enough to spend the last weekend with 101 rodeo kids. The event, called Practice With The Pros is a weekend of training and practice with local pro rodeo people. It's a great way for kids involved in rodeo to get some wonderful mentoring. It's a wonderful program. And I was the photographer for the weekend. I got some awesome action photos. And touching moments. And cute kids. Looking through the pictures, I noticed a theme. These kids make strange faces.

This kid is sneering while he ropes. Must have worked though. I don't think I saw him miss once.

And it's not just the boys. The girls make odd faces too. This is her "I'm so gonna rope this steer" face.

Lots of them stick out their tongues too. Some just a little.

Some a lot.

Some open their months. This kid could catch flies.

This one kind of says "Oh, oh, oh! Got it!!"

See, once again, not just the boys.

Some, they concentrate so hard their lips disappear.

Heeheehee. This kid kills me. No lips and eyes about to pop out of his head. He's working really hard.

This boy, if he pulls his mouth much tighter he's gonna cave in his face.

And it's not just the ropers. The bulldoggers make strange faces too. Although their's mostly look like "Oh Crap!" faces.

This one is my fav. It's "Oh Crap!" mixed with a big dose of fear.

And then there's this kid. Not so much a funny face, but he's got the most unfortunate set of eyebrows I've ever seen. Poor guy.

A moment of your time for a short rant...

2009-05-08T14:51:00.006-05:00

Do you see this? It's my new lens. It's beautiful, right? A Canon EF-S 10-22mm F/3.5-4.5 USM. I know that means nothing to most of you. But it's a wonderful wide angle lens.
It's just a lovely lens. And right now I'd like to be posting you some awesome photos taken by this lens. But I can't.

Why?

Because it's lost. Vanished into the evil black pit that is our US Postal Service. By the helpful (that's a 'helpful' loaded with sarcasm there) tracking info I can see it got as far as New Jersey. But after that, it's disappeared. The guy who sold it to me can't find it. The jerks at customer service for the USPS couldn't have been less helpful.

So now, all I have to show for my $700 is that picture up there. Now if I can figure out a way to hook that picture up to my camera I'll be just fine. Stupid USPS. I'm going back to carrier pigeons.

Snake Killer

2009-04-30T19:55:00.006-05:00

Tonight, my dad killed the first rattle snake of the year out in our horse pasture. Funny thing is, I saw that same snake, in the same spot over the weekend. I chased it across the fence line, went back to get a shovel and it was gone. Sneaky snake.

This time we got it.

It was good sized too.

Right at 3 feet.

Thankfully it's now dead.

Very dead.

Yay for dead snakes. I'm not strange for keeping the rattle am I?

I made this...sort of

2009-04-26T18:43:00.007-05:00

First, you start with this. A beat up old patio table. This one was my grand parents. So you know it's beat up. But it's still usable, so no throwing it away. We refurbish at this house. :-)

The ratty chairs though, those can be set aside. I put mine in storage just in case I ever need extra seating. The straps are starting to break though so I'll save them for people I don't like very much. (Shame on me, I know.)

Next I grabbed some of these. Those are little colored glass stones there. You can get them at any craft store, usually in the floral section. Some how, I'd ended up with tons of these. And had a wonderful friend give me even more. I ended up not having to buy many at all. And what I did buy, were on sale cause the store was closing and moving to a new location. I have fantastic timing.
This is how far one tube of super duper strong glue will get you. This is not a weekend project. Not a weekend project at all. I thought it would be at first. I'm stupid sometimes. Gluing each little stone on is very time consuming. And spreading out a bunch of glue and then sticking them down doesn't work well either. Cause then you just run out of glue faster.
But, after several days of hard work. And several trips to the store for more glue. And a trip to a home improvement store for fancy chairs. You end up with this. Tada! The chairs are comfy. The table is sturdy. And bonus, they're all heavy enough not to get tossed around in the wonderful Texas Panhandle winds. Yay!

Cell Phones Are Wonderful

2009-04-24T15:40:00.004-05:00

Cell phones are my new favorite toy. Cause you can get stuff like this sent to you:

Yup. That's my sweet nephew there. Smiling like crazy. I'm so glad my sister Elaine sent it to me. Of course now I'm ready to fly back to Georgia to see them both.

Georgia Trip - The Final Day

2009-04-19T13:35:00.011-05:00

My final day in Georgia was spent in Savannah with Mary and Cathy. It was wonderful. One of my favorite cities with two of my favorite people. Doesn't get much better than that.

While there we went to Ft. Pulaski which was built during the civil war and used to protect Savannah from those damn Yankees,

Mary and I chose to ignore the 'don't climb on the hill' sign to take pictures.A view of the ocean from behind the fort.

After the fort we drove out to the ocean - Tybee Island to be specific. Here are some of the fancy beach houses on the island.
Then we returned to Savannah and wandered around. Here's a faux gas light in one of the squares.
This is the back of some of the buildings on River Street. They look out over the Savannah River. There's shops/restaurants/bars on the first and second floors. And I think people live on the higher floors. I could live there. Get to look out on the busy and beautiful Savannah River from my apartment. Yup. I could handle that.
Speaking of the busy and beautiful Savannah River...how about a picture of it. Yup. That's an ocean liner. Savannah is an international shipping port. Cool, right?
Also along River Street is a candy shop. They make their own candy there. All kinds of sugary goodness. This was fresh, orange flavored taffy. It was yummy. I know cause they gave me some.
They also cover apples in all sorts of goodness. These are pecan and caramel covered apples. They were the most photogenic of all the yummy cover apples.

Georgia Trip - Day Six

2009-04-17T08:44:00.003-05:00

Day six has no pictures to go with it. (I hear you booing. I'm far away, but I hear you.)

We didn't do much. I hung out around the house with Teresa while Cathy had some car work done. Then the three of us picked up lunch and went over to Elaine's house. Needed our daily dose of Baby James.

Then Cathy and I drove to Savannah. Such pretty country side between Milledgeville and Savannah. Could have stopped dozens of times to take pictures. But I didn't. Cause I was excited to get to see my sister.

Mary took Cathy and I out for pizza then we rented a movie. Mary's place is soo cute. Pictures will be posted in the day seven blog. Promise.

Georgia Trip - Day Five

2009-04-15T20:52:00.006-05:00

For those of you who've been wondering where I've been staying on this trip, here you go. This is Cathy and Jimmy's house. Pretty isn't it?

Cathy and Jimmy also own some land outside of town. Here it is. Pretty isn't it? (Not in Texas anymore, Jocelyn.)

While we were out there, Jimmy went fishing while Cathy showed me around.

He caught a fish in about two shakes of a bunnies tail. Yay for Jimmy!

When Cathy and I were out on our walk we saw this creepy looking tree root.

We also found one of Jimmy's deer blinds.

Look at the pretty tree.

Look what I found in the pond! I was a kid the last time I saw a tadpole in a pond. Course it's not like we have many ponds in Amarillo. Or water. Or green growing things.....why do I live in Amarillo again?

Okay. Focus Jocelyn. Cathy and I also found this while walking around. It's super hard to see, but that is an inground beehive. The faint red circles are bees. I so didn't get them all circled. There was a freaky amount of bees there. Sort of chilling.

Georgia Trip - Day Four

2009-04-14T22:45:00.010-05:00

Today was an awesome day. I got to hang out with Teresa and some of her old friends on a lake outside of Milledgeville.

It was so wild. Such a foreign lifestyle for me.

Fancy houses all along the lake. Boat docks behind each one.

You're not in Texas anymore Dorothy.

This is Josh. He's Teresa's man. He had to push our boat out of the sand. Manly man that Josh.

When we came home, this was waiting for us. Precious boy.

Then we got to see this too. Three generations. James with his Grandpa and Great Grandpa. Everyone now....aww......

Georgia Trip - Day Three

2009-04-13T21:39:00.008-05:00

Today it rained in Milledgeville. It rained and rained and rained. All day. So we stayed close to home. And hung out. There was plenty to do. Like look through boxes of old family photos.

And try to ignore that Lulu (Elaine's dog) really wanted inside.

And take pictures of Andy the cat.

And take pictures of Andy the cat and Aunt Mary.

And watch Grandpa Helms sleep.

And learn to play a musical instrument. James is on his way to becoming a musician.

And then there was this. This great mess of beautiful boy. There was lots of time for this. That sweet mouth. Those lips. And that chin. It's faint, but that's the family chin dimple there. Sign. This sweet boy is melting my cold heart of stone more everyday.

Georgia Trip - Day Two

2009-04-12T21:44:00.006-05:00

Day two was wonderful. Simply wonderful. Because of moments like this:

That's my nephew there getting baptized. He's so chill. It didn't phase him at all.

It was also cool cause of this:
The proud parents with the boy. James, the newest Christian. :-)

This is another wonderful moment:
That's David there being held by Josh. Who exactly are David and Josh you ask. (I know you did, I can hear you.) David is the baby Teresa had and gave up for adoption. Josh is her boyfriend. Also know as David's birth father. He's a precious little boy and looks just like Teresa.

And here's another wonderful moment for you. James with his grandmothers. Kathy (Brad's mom) and Cathy.

That's little David there meeting his cousin. He was petting James like he was a puppy. It was precious.
That was my day. A total over dose of wonderful moments. And cuteness. You could just about die from that much cuteness. But it would be worth it. Totally worth it.

Georgia-Day one

2009-04-12T16:47:00.009-05:00

I was greeted at the Atlanta airport by my two sisters Mary and Teresa (and Mary's boyfriend Christian). Even without the sign, I would have known them. Two people standing there, looking like me. So obvious.

The drive to Milledgeville was great fun. It was pop quiz time. What kind of music do you like, Jocelyn? What’s it like where you’re from? Is this your first trip to Georgia? It was awesome.

When we got to Milledgeville and Cathy and Jimmy’s house we were met by Cathy, my aunt Mary (Cathy’s big sister) and Cathy’s cat Little Girl. Amazing. So wonderful to get to see Cathy again. And to finally meet Aunt Mary. Later got to meet my cousin Blaise. And finally got to meet Elaine, Brad and Baby James.

Later while watching the Sound of Music (one more thing we have in common) Christian pointed out that Mary and I have the same feet. Yup. We do. And the same mole on our chest.

We talked until midnight, Georgia time. Played with baby James. Ate good food. Laughed. They shared stories from their childhood and I shared ones from mine. Lots of similar stories.

The end to a wonderful first day with my b-family.

Leavin' On A Jet Plane

2009-04-10T10:51:00.005-05:00

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll be flying to Georgia. For the first time I'll get to meet my half sisters. And my nephew. And my brother-in-law. And all sorts of other birth family members. It's going to be awesome. And overwhelming. And so, so wonderful. And I'll do my very best to blog about it the whole time.

Now I'll leave you with this.

That's my new nephew there. Killin' you with the cuteness isn't he? I know. Get's me everytime too.

Words that have no meaning....

2009-03-31T14:35:00.003-05:00

As a perpetually single woman, I've heard my fair share of polite, trite and meaningless phrases. Mostly from the mouths of my married or coupled friends. And I've recently had my fill of these stupid platitudes. So I'm making a list. All you marrieds out there take note. No single woman out there wants to hear this kind of stuff from ya'll anymore. Print this list out. Put it on your fridge. Commit it to memory.

You'll find the right man one day
Your perfect guy is out there
Mr. Right is waiting just around the corner for you
You just haven't found your match yet
Just pray about it (On a personal note, if I pray much more about finding my 'right guy' God is going to send an angel down just to tell me to shut up.)
Don't worry, you'll find your match one day (that's like telling a person facing life threatening surgery not to worry)
It'll happen when you least expect it (I stopped expecting it to happen years ago and yet I'm still single)

Questions that I, as a single woman, don't want to be asked anymore.

When are you getting married?
Why aren't you married? (I'm going to start answering this one "Cause apparently I'm horrible and no one wants me. Thanks for reminding me of that.")
Don't you want to get married?

Cherry Lime Cupcakes

2009-03-23T16:05:00.008-05:00

Yup. That's right. Cherry Lime Cupcakes. Ever had a Sonic Cherry Lime? Then that's what you should think when you look at the pictures below.

That's a lime flavored cupcake there. Soaked in limeaide juice.

Homemade buttercream frosting flavored with Maraschino cherry juice (no food coloring added).

Almost done....

Tada! The finished product. Beautiful and so tasty.

Here's the recipe if you'd like to try to make some for yourself. Enjoy!!

http://bakingupchaos.blogspot.com/2008/10/cherry-limeade-cupcakes.html

Art as Ministry

2009-03-13T16:16:00.002-05:00

I proof read letters for people at work. It's not part of my job, it's just something I'm good at and people take advantage of it. I don't mind. I like to keep my proofing skills sharp. And for the most part, what I'm proofing doesn't stay with me any longer than it takes me to read it.

But today I hit something different. Something that not only stuck with me, but really got my dander up. It was a personal letter from a very strong Christian to two of his Christian mentors. He was discussing something that a missionary that he and his wife support had sent him. It was information about an art school that is run by a church. They use the arts as a form of ministry.

Now me, as an artist, think that's wonderful. I think that your talent in your gift from God and what you do with it is your gift back to Him. So if your gift is art and you use it to teach others about God. Or to show His majesty and love. That's just wonderful. More power to ya.

But not this person. He thinks that it's very wrong. Even said in the letter that he believes that parents should steer their children away from such things as art ministry.

I know that this is just a simple letter and I should let it go. But I can't. Because he knows I'm both a Christian and an artist and he keeps wanting to talk to me about it. And he a VIP around here so I don't feel like I can tell him what I really feel. I try to just give non committal answers. And talk to him more about sentence structure and flow and such things and leave the subject matter alone. But he won't let it go. He keeps rewriting the letter. I want to say 'stop bringing this to me. You're offending me with this subject. I feel like you're devaluing my work as an artist with this subject and it hurts me.'

But I can't. And I won't. Because some things are better left unsaid. But I do feel better having written this.

What are your thoughts on this subject? Can you use art as a way to teach others about Christ?

Update time....

2009-03-11T16:41:00.006-05:00

Just hit me that it's been a good long while since I updated this thing. Life has been super busy. I just sent my second letter to my b-dad off today. Yay! I'm having hand surgery next week on St. Patrick's day. Not yay. I'm planning for a trip to see my b-mom and half sisters and I just found out today that two of my sisters are picking me up at the airport. Big yay! All in all, it's been a crazy space of time. But I've still found time to work on my photography. So I'll close this post with some of my newest work.

Love to you all!

The b-dad letter

2009-02-21T09:00:00.006-06:00

It's here! The letter from my birth father. Wow! It's a good letter too.

Here's the gist of it for you.

He's divorced, but is engaged.
He has two sons Nathan (24) and Matthew (21)
He has a grandson, Trent (4)
He now owns the company he and Cathy worked at when they created me. (Very trippy!)
He and his fiance also own a NASCAR hobby shop.
He's originally from Ohio but has lived in Texas 34 years.
Most of his family is still in Ohio.
His parents and older sister have passed
There's a family history of heart troubles and back problems. (We all know which one of those I got.)
Twins run in the family and tends to skip a generation - that means it's my generation's turn for twins.
His fiance (Pam) and my half brothers look forward to getting to know me.
He's looking forward to getting to know me.
He welcomes me into his life.
He used LOL three times but I'm trying to let that go (Karen, you know what I'm talking about.)

Now that I've listed out the facts for you....let me say he just seems like such a good guy. A warm, kind, Godly man. I'm looking forward to getting to know him. It's very cool. Oh, and here's the picture he sent. I think I look more like Cathy than him. You be the judge.

I work in a very strange place

2009-02-20T14:54:00.008-06:00

I work in a strange place. There is always something interesting going on.

Huge equipment being taken apart or put together.

There's always something random to be found out on the equipment yard.

But today I was walking past our paint shop. And saw something I can't explain.

Why......

Why is there a bathtub on the yard?

Letter Coming!!!!

2009-02-19T14:14:00.002-06:00

Yup. That's right. I've got a letter coming. From whom you ask? From my b-dad Ken. Yay!!!!! My case worker emailed me today to tell me that she was sending it out in today's mail. So hopefully I'll get it tomorrow. If not I'll totally get it on Saturday. Expect a recap of it and a copy of the picture he sent to show up on here soon.

Found!!!

2009-02-04T15:45:00.003-06:00

I just got a phone call from my case worker (love you Gail!) and she has found and spoken to my birth father. Woo hoo!!!

Here's what I know thus far. His name is Ken. He's divorced. He has two boys (23 & 21). He wants to have contact. He never thought he'd hear from me. He's excited to get to know me.

The next step.......I'll write him a letter and send it to Gail. Gail will send it to Ken. Then we wait for him to do the same.

The whole thing is just very surreal. Not sure if it hasn't sunk in yet or if I'm just handling this whole thing super well. I just keep saying to myself all the facts Gail told me. I'm fielding a thousand questions from all my friends. And just sitting here at work trying to soak it all up. In the space of two years I've found both my birth parents. And went from an only child to the oldest of 6. And added who knows how many members to my family.

Wow.

That's all I can say. Wow.

Random Things

2009-01-29T15:38:00.004-06:00

Yesterday on Facebook a friend started a game that got everyone going...25 random things about yourself. And I mean really random. Learned something new about everyone of my friends. And learned something about myself as I tried to put up 25 random, unknown things about myself. Also, it was great fun. So I'm repeating the game here for all my readers. (In my mind there are tons of you -- I'm counting each of my actual readers at least 20 times.)

25 Random Things About Me

I lack the ability to not eat chocolate chip cookies. They're literally my kryptonite.

I'm convinced I'm being stalked by yellow Jeeps. Or a person in a yellow Jeep. I see them everywhere. It is not that common a color so there has to be something to my phobia.

Sometimes I miss competing with my horses so much it hurts.

And all the other times, I'm just happy to get to spend time with them each day.

I could, and sometimes do, play games online all day.

I can always be positive for other people, but have a hard time being positive for myself.

I want to write books very, very much but I'm afraid of trying and finding out I suck. Which goes against advice I give other people all the time - you never know until you try.

I hate having my spelling corrected. I'm an adult. I know I can't spell. Don't point it out to me and make me feel worse about this short coming.

I always wanted to be a ballet dancer. But lack of grace and rhythm quickly put a stop to that.

I have a totally irrational hatred of the band Brooks and Dunn. Don't know why, but just hearing them makes my skin crawl.

When I get really into a book I totally lose myself. I become the main character. Their world is mine. And when I'm done with the book and forced back into the real world I'm a little sad.

I believe in magic.

I'm learning to read tarot cards.

I just realized that its hard to do this with out getting more and more depressing.

I make up stories in my head when I'm trying to fall asleep. Or when I wish I was somewhere else. Or when I'm bored.

I pretend to witty, funny and outgoing, but I'm still just a shy, awkward, unsure kid inside.

I hate the use of 'LOL' - don't know why, just do.

My imagination is still my favorite companion. I can close my eyes and go somewhere else in just seconds. If it was a skill I could earn a living at I'd be a millionaire.

I don't know what I'd do with myself if I really was a millionaire.

But I'd probably move to Ireland and leave in a cottage on the coast and work in a bakery and never tell anyone how rich I really was.

I would give up everything I have to be free from arthritis.

I would give up everything I have to find my one true love.

I just became disappointed with myself for saying 'one true love.'

I just had to stop myself from deleting numbers 22 and 23.

I feel claustrophobic if I can't see the horizon or feel the wind. That's why I don't like big cities and will never live in the mountains. I'm a plains kind of girl. Or the coast. Somewhere open with wind. Yes please.

A photographic ode to my pets.....

2009-01-16T09:08:00.007-06:00

To Ice for always doing something strange.....

To Newt for always doing something.....well strange.....

To CC for always.....well, she's strange too......

The fundraiser - the aftermath

2009-01-15T13:51:00.018-06:00

The fundraising roping went off with out a hitch on Saturday. It was great. It was awesome. Everyone had a grand time. Everyone wants to know when we're hosting another one. It was a huge success. We had horse trailers parked along side the highway. We even had standing room only for the finals. It was wonderful. Like a fool, I can't wait until next year to do it again.

Now I shall share some of the 700+ photos I took. (My camera can shoot 6 frames a second, so the photos add up before you know it.) Next time, you come and see all the fun for yourself so I don't have to take pictures all day.

Oh, who am I kidding, I'll still take pictures for you. :-)

Something about cowboys sitting on a fence rail. Always makes for a good picture. So does cowboys sitting around on their horses.

Just for the men out there, cowgirls sitting on their horses.

Now for some of my friends who helped me take pictures.

And now some of some random people....first Guy (he's just strange, forgive him). Next Trent talking to Guy (poor Trent has to stand on the stairs....hee hee).

Now on to the cute children portion of the show and tell. Two random little boys. (Okay not so random, one is my vet's son. The other one, though, totally random stranger. Yes, I'm the creepy woman stalking your cute kid with a camera. Don't be afraid.)

And now on to photos of the action. Have I mentioned that my camera shoots 6 frames a second? I love my camera. Sounds like a machine gun when I'm shooting action. Love it!

*Note. No cows were harmed in the making of this fundraiser or blog. But one did get flying lessons.*

A lifetime of horse manure

2009-01-15T08:56:00.010-06:00

I was thinking last night as I was cleaning my stalls as I often do. I've spent most of my life with horses. I bought my first horse 18 years ago this month in fact.

That's her there in the middle. She's going gray and slowing down but she's still my girl.

But last night I was thinking not of how much life I've lived with the three stooges up there. Nope I was thinking of how much of their crap I've carted around. So I did the math.

I've had horses for 18 years.

That's 6,570 days.

It takes me an average of 30 minutes to clean a stall.

At three stalls a day that 591,300 minutes.

Or 9,855 hours.

Or approximately 410 days.

Or around a year and a half.

That's right. I've spent a year and a half just cleaning my own stalls. I don't even want to do the math to add in all the other people's stalls I've cleaned. Or factor in the 3 years I worked at a boarding stable cleaning anywhere from 10-40 stalls a day.

And I'm not done. I plan to spend the rest of my life with horses. I hope to add another horse or two to my herd. And I'll keep cleaning stalls.

The view of the world from behind a wheelbarrow really isn't all that bad.

My new favorite toy

2009-01-09T14:11:00.011-06:00

I've been doing a lot of Photoshop work lately and I have a new favorite toy - Topaz Adjust. It's awesome. Just awesome. Love it, love it, love it. If it was a man I'd marry it. Okay, maybe I don't love it that much but it is pretty much the coolest Photoshop toy I've seen in a while. Check it out and judge for yourself. It doesn't change the photos much, just improves the details and such. Again, love it!

One Headlight - the before & after

Against A Tree - the before & after

Rambler - the before & after

Finding The 'Fun' in Fundraisers

2009-01-08T09:42:00.003-06:00

For the past several months I've been part of a group planning a fundraiser for WTAMU's Equestrian Team and Rodeo Team. It's a good cause as those two teams are woefully underfunded and neglected by the university. At the start of this event, we had a great big group of people wanting to help plan. As time as gone along though it has ended up being myself and 3-4 others doing most all of the work. And one complaining and throwing fits like a spoiled child.

Now I love WT and feel very strongly about supporting these two teams. But this has so taken the 'fun' out of fundraisers for me. I've had nightmares about low ticket sales. And nightmares about all sorts of crazy things going wrong on the actual event day. And I'm not the only one stressing about it. One of my fellow planners keeps having the ticket sales nightmares too. The event is now two short days away. Part of me knows that it is going to go off without a hitch, be a success and be fun. But another part of just wants to wake up and be past all this.

I'm sure you're thinking that I'll never work on another fundraiser again. Nope. Cause I just don't learn. This same group will be having at least one more fundraiser this year, which I'll probably end up being in charge of since I was last year. And I'm already committed to doing the program for a WT rodeo that is coming up soon. And to planning the yearly banquet for my Camera Club.

Yup. I'm nuts. Sure am. There's probably no hope for me. Oh well. Guess I'll have plenty to blog about this year.

My new/old love

2009-01-07T16:51:00.012-06:00

Lately I've rediscovered an old passion. Black and white photography. And suddenly I can't get enough of it. I love other people's work and get inspired by it. I don't mean to sound smug, but I think my recent black and white work is some of my best yet.

What is it about black and white photography that is so engaging? It draws you in. It speaks of times gone by. It's classic and timeless. It can be stark and cold. Or warm and glowing. It's just the best ever. (On a semi related side note, I noticed something last night, my black and white dog aways circles things counter clockwise. Wonder why?)

I recently took a trip to one of my favorite photo taking spots. Here are some of my new favorite pictures. Not surprisingly they're all black and whites.

Looking back on 2008

2009-01-06T10:01:00.003-06:00

2008 was a good year for me. So much so that I feel the need to thank the year. (Yeah, I know that's strange to thank a year. But it's me so don't be too surprised.)

I'm thankful for my new wonderful home and the wonderful animals that have added themselves to my four legged family.

I'm thankful that I got to grow closer to Cathy, Elaine, Teresa and Mary.

I'm thankful that I've started getting to know my b-mom's sister Mary.

I'm thankful for the friends who've come back into my life via Facebook.

I'm thankful that my dad didn't have to have heart surgery.

I'm thankful that my arthritis has stayed under control and I made it through the whole year with out a major, painful flare up.

I'm thankful for the friendships that have grown even stronger this year. (Love to you all!)

I'm thankful that I've grown and improved as a photographer.

I'm thankful for my job and my boss and the kindness and understanding I see every day at work.

I'm thankful for my Christmas bonus that will allow me to finally buy a hot tub so I can take better care of my ouchy back.

I'm thankful my dog finally stopped chasing the horses and now comes when he's called.

I'm thankful that my parents will now at least acknowledge that I have a second family in my birth family. I'm thankful that my mom will now talk to me about them (a little bit).

I'm thankful for all the countless blessings, both small and large, that God gave me in 2008. I was undeserving of them all and that makes me even more thankful for them.

I can't wait to see what 2009 will bring!

Blessed Beyond Belief

2008-12-02T08:47:00.003-06:00

I'm so truly blessed. Blessed more than I deserve to be blessed. Thanks to the awesomeness that is Facebook I've been able to connect better with my birth mom and my half sisters. And now my b-mom's brother Mike and her sister Mary. Today I had a wonderful surprise when I logged on to Facebook. A note from my Aunt Mary. "Jocelyn, if you know anything, know this, the Holten Family knows you and LOVES you. You are a part of us and we are a part of you. I love you- Aunt Mary" I'm not a crier at all, but that made me tear up big time. I'm so lucky to have two wonderful, loving families. I don't know what to do with such wonderful people in my life. I don't deserve them, but I'm keeping them.

Sighting! Ice in Palo Duro Canyon....

2008-11-21T09:01:00.009-06:00

Yep. That's right. Ice got to go to the Canyon. And he loved it. Even if getting there required a ride in the evil car. He was so good and was off leash most of the time. Yay for Ice!

Good Dog Ice

2008-11-07T09:22:00.004-06:00

Update time! Ice is doing so good! He's gone this entire week without even wearing - or needing - his shock collar. I'm so proud of him. He tried to chase the horses last night, but stopped when I yelled no and called him to me. He comes 90% of the time when I call. And this weekend, I'm taking him for his first hike in Palo Duro Canyon. Next week he's getting fixed.

He's made friends with both my cats too. Last night he and my younger cat, Newt, we're wrestling. It was so funny. That cat would just wrap his legs around Ice's head and whack him and Ice would jump away, then come back for more. I'll post pictures of them playing as soon as I can get some in the daylight - stupid time change.

Ice still wants to chase the wheel barrow, but he'll stop when you tell him to. And he has stopped biting the tires as you push it. He's settling in to his new life and is a happy boy.

Stuff and junk

2008-11-03T11:22:00.007-06:00

Well, I heard back from my case worker. She's going to start looking for my b-dad. Hopefully this search will end as well as the first one did. I'm nervous about it. Nervous he'll reject me or be mean or something. I hope not. I hope it will go well.

In other news, the whole b-family search has made me revisit something that has always been in the back of my head. I have a strong need to help people. I want to make the world a better place. I want to help people the way my adoption case worker has helped me. So I'm revisiting a career I've thought about many times...a private investigator. I don't know what it would take to become one. I don't know if I really have the skills to do it at all. But I know that there are other adopted people out there like me, who can't find their birth parents. If I can help, I want to.

I don't know what will happen next, but please pray for me. I feel like I'm on the edge of a change in my life. I'll need all the help I can get.

The next big search....

2008-10-24T13:23:00.003-05:00

Well, my next search has begun. That's right. You guessed it. I'm looking for my birth father now. Scary. For some reason, even more scary than looking for Cathy. Not sure why. From what she's told me about him, I think he's going to turn out to be a stand up kind of man. At least I hope so. I don't know where this search will lead but I made it though the last one, so I know I can make it though this one. But I'm going to be a bundle of emotions until I hear back from my case worker.

Ice's journey continues....

2008-10-21T13:23:00.006-05:00

The Ice Man had a good weekend. Very little shocking. He was nice to my friends when they came over to ride with me. Even followed the horses as we rode like a good boy. He played outside most of the day Saturday by himself while I was in and out doing chores. Sunday I thought, he'll be good again today. Not so much. He ran and played outside all morning while I was in and out hanging up laundry and such. I let him in the house with the intention of brushing him and he attacked one of my cats. So I booted him back outside. And then he vanished. Thankfully, he ended up at a friends house not far away. My friend called me and I went and picked him up. And Ice got to spend several hours in his kennel while I cleaned stalls - his favorite barn chore to assist me with. Torture for a dog that loves/hates wheelbarrows like Ice does. But when I let him out to help me bathe the horses he redeemed himself by being a very good boy. And he was excellent Monday too. So Ice is on the upswing I think. The shock collar is a nice reminder when he starts sliding back. I think he's going to be a real dog very soon!

Oh, and in other Ice news, he's got a new toy. He discovered the horses' jolly ball this weekend. (You horse people know what this is, the rest of you, google 'jolly ball' and look at the image results.) He loves it! Carries it around by the handle. It's his new best friend.

Ice and the Shock Collar

2008-10-17T08:24:00.003-05:00

Ice's new shock collar arrived yesterday. I did a little happy dance when I opened the box and put in the batteries. Then put it on him and turned him loose. He did fine, didn't even need to be shocked until my boarder arrived to take care of her horses. And brought her two dogs. At that point Ice promptly forgot his name or went deaf. I called him to me so he'd get out of Kristen's way and he just looked at me then went on his merry way. So I used the tone button on the remote for the collar. This is supposed to get the dog's attention and get them to focus on you. Not so much with my dog. I tried it a few more times with no luck. So I hit the low shock button. And he jumped about a foot and a half in the air and then kept running around and around Kristen's horses. So I hit the button again and again, calling him to me before and after each shock. He finally came to me and seemed to figure out that coming to me made the bad feeling go away. So he stuck to me like glue for a good 45 minutes while I cleaned stalls. Then it was time to feed my horses. Now, my dad's horse JB isn't fond of Ice. And tends to just trot away from him when he sees him. Which makes Ice chase him. So this started up and I shocked the crap out of that dog. Low shock, low shock, low shock. High shock. Until he quit chasing the horse. I think we've made a major stride in Ice's journey. He stopped any bad behavior much faster with that collar than he ever has. Yay for Ice!

Other news......

2008-10-16T08:48:00.001-05:00

In other news in my life, my dad finally had his appointment with his heart doctor. It was great news. The doc says the medication Dad is on is helping and he doesn't need to have surgery anytime soon. They made a little change - added some vitamins - and he's feeling even better now.

Thank you all for the prayers you've sent Dad's way. They helped so much!

Life with Ice

2008-10-16T08:35:00.005-05:00

As some of you may know, I have a new dog named Ice. He was given to me by an old friend about 3 weeks ago. As time has gone on, it's become clear that life with Ice is going to be quite a journey. He's a sweet, loving dog. And super smart. And obsessed with anything with wheels. And my horses. And one of my two cats. And his Frisbee.

So I thought I'd start a series of blogs about life with Ice. But before I can tell you about the good progress he made in becoming a real dog, I have to tell you what a mess he is.

He forgets his name regularly. Usually when it's dark and time to go in his kennel. Or when he's chasing the horses from one pasture to the other. So as of now, he's not allowed off lease unless the horses are all up in their stalls and I don't have a need to put him away in a rush. To hopefully correct this little 'amnesia' problem I've ordered him a shock collar. I can't chase him down and no amount of treats and begging will get him to come when he gets it in his head to go. So hopefully the sudden shock from the collar will help him to learn him name.

Also, to get him to bond to me I've started walking him every night. Working on basic commands. Sit, come, stay. Last night (this is the Ice made good progress part) he came and sat every time I asked. And about half the time stayed sitting next to me until I released him from the stay. So yay for Ice. He's learning. Someday he'll be a real dog.

A rant on poor customer service

2008-10-01T08:47:00.005-05:00

Ah country life! What fun. What peace. Until the well goes out on a weekend and you're without water. Yup, that's right. This weekend the pump for my well broke. On a Sunday. Lovely. Lucky for me I've got this handy home warranty policy so I called them. And they sent a repair guy out. Who happened to be the man who put in the well when the house was built 12 years ago. Sadly, he couldn't fix it on Sunday. I had to 'borrow' water from my neighbor for the horses and the other animals. And as for me, I washed my hands with jugs of water. And wished for a hot shower and a long sleep. Wished to wake up from the nightmare of no water. Wished for a good fairy to come fix it all. No such luck.

But, thankfully, Monday morning the well man came back. With a full crew. And fixed it with in 2 hours. Right now you're thinking, yay. Nightmare over. Yeah right. That's what I thought too.

There was still a few things life could throw at me. The home warranty will only cover up to $1500 worth of repairs. And of course this repair cost more. About $350 over that. No big deal right? Unless the home warranty doesn't have your name on it. Yup, some how my home warranty for my home ended up with my father's name on it. So yesterday when the claims rep called me to talk about this, she asked for my dad. I tried every way I could to explain to her that I was the person she needed to talk to, not my father. I used big words. I used small words. I was nice. I was clear. And she was a b^&#$. After going round and round she just kept saying she needed to talk to my dad. My patience finally broke and I told her then she needed to call him, not me. So I'm going to be filing a complaint about her rude little self. She not only refused to talk to me. She refused to change the contact name. And refused to tell me how to change it. I don't understand why you would take a job where customer service is key when you've got an attitude like that. Ugh! I hope she gets yelled at by her boss for this.

Wow! What a day!

2008-09-05T12:39:00.007-05:00

Yesterday I got to spend the whole day with my b-mom, Cathy. It was amazing! But I'm getting ahead of myself. First let me tell you how that awesome day come to be. Cathy's father, Joe, lived in San Angelo in a nursing home. Last week he passed away. (Here's a link to his obit, if you'd like to see: http://obituaries.sanangelostandardtimes.com/obit.cfm?ID=9926) He'd been very sick for a long time, so it was a bit of a blessing that he was no longer so ill and in so much pain. Because of his death, Cathy and her husband (Jimmy) drove to Texas. And since they were in Texas, they came to visit me. It was sad that her dad died, but wonderful that we finally got to meet. In my humble opinion, it was God's way of putting a positive spin on a sad event.

So Wednesday, Cathy and Jimmy drove up to Amarillo from San Angelo. We meet for dinner at Pepito's in Canyon. (Cathy craved Mexican food when she was pregnant with me and we all know I love it too.) We had a great dinner. For about a minute it was strange and awkward. Then we both admitted that it was strange and awkward and everything was fine. Jimmy informed me that she couldn't get out of the car when they got to restaurant. He said they had to sit in the parking lot for a long while before she could go in. They watched me out the window to see if I would do the same thing (I didn't by the way, just went right in). After dinner they followed me to a hotel near my house and I drew them a map to my house so they could come over the next day.

On Thursday Cathy and Jimmy came over to my house around 10am. We went out and visited with the horses - Cathy had horses as a child. Then we went back to the house and just talked. She'd brought lots of neat photographs and mementos from her father's house and we looked at them. He was an avid photographer so there was some really neat stuff. I scanned in several things and I'll post them here in another blog later on. She told me all sorts of cool stories about her dad and her family. Then Jimmy played his guitar for us for a while then we took off to town for lunch (Buns Over Texas). Over lunch we talked even more (now you all know where I get it from). She told me what it was like when she was pregnant. Only one of her siblings - her brother Matt - came to see her while she was pregnant. Her family never talked to her about it. Nor did her parents. She was living in Big Spring when she got pregnant and moved to Lubbock shortly after telling her family. A friend helped her through the whole pregnancy (Ellen Phillips-maybe a relative?). She said for the rest of her life she never knew what to say to people. When asked how many kids she had, should she say 3 or 4? Now she can freely say 4. Yay!

After lunch we were off again, this time to Palo Duro Canyon. They'd both seen pictures I'd taken there and wanted to see our beautiful little canyon for themselves. We had a great time. Hiked a bit. Took some pictures. Generally had a grand time. Then it was back to my house. More talking. More picture looking at - my pictures this time. They helped me feed the horses then we talked some more. Cathy asked me tons of questions. And told me lots of cool stuff:

I have the Holten (her maiden name) family chin dimple

I have crooked fingers just like her, her mother and my sister Elaine

My eyes are shaped just like Elaine's as are my hands

My profile is just like Mary's

I'm built just like Teresa

I'm stubborn just like her dad

Mary ran track as a child just like I did

Elaine is an animal magnet just like me

Teresa started taking care of her own checking account at 16 (three years older than I was when I started doing the same thing)

I gesture and talk just like Elaine

I remind her very much of an aunt she had that was, from what she's told me, an amazing woman. 1st female graduate of an Oklahoma law school (in the top 10 of her class too).

It was a day I'll treasure for the rest of my life. Not long before they left, Jimmy said that if he'd been my dad, he wouldn't have walked away from Cathy and I like my birth father did. That really touched me. To people looking in on this, we probably shouldn't consider each other family, but family we are. As Cathy was about to get in the car to leave she stepped up and hugged me. It wasn't strange at all to tell her I loved her.

Sad and Happy News

2008-08-27T15:01:00.003-05:00

So, shortly after posting my update blog, I got an email from Cathy. Just a short note, but filled with both good and sad things.

Let's get the sad part out of the way first. Her father, who lives in San Angelo, has been very sick for quite sometime. She just got a call from a friend who's been keeping an eye on him. Apparently he's taken a turn for the worse. The nurse at the hospice who's been looking after him thinks he has very little time left. It's both a sad and a blessing. His suffering will end soon, but Cathy will loose her father.

The happy news is, she'll be coming to Texas and wants to meet! I don't know how things will work out. If I'll head to San Angelo or she'll come here before heading home to Georgia. But it will work out.

By my way of thinking, this is God's way of making a sad moment in Cathy's life into a happy moment. Making an ending into a beginning.

Update time!

2008-08-27T09:53:00.004-05:00

I am long over due for an update. First things first. My b-mom's response to the scary email I sent about my b-dad. She made it clear that she didn't want to talk about him. She did tell me a bit more about him. Like that he did know about me. From what she said, it almost sounded like he would have married her. But she just asked him to work with Catholic Family Services (CFS) and he did. She told me that when she got my email asking about him she looked for him but couldn't find him. After that, Cathy just passed things on to me. Said if I really wanted to find him or find out info about him then I should just go back to CFS and start searching for him the same way I started searching for her. I'm not sure what I'm going to do. The drive to find my b-dad isn't as strong as my drive to find Cathy was. But he's still a big unanswered question for me. And I hate unanswered questions. So I'm just thinking on the b-dad situation for now. I'll figure out something at some point. I think I'm going to go back to trying to get my full records from the court. Maybe I'll have some luck this time around.

Next bit of news. My sister Elaine is pregnant. She and her hubbie are so excited. So am I. It's going to be awesome to be an aunt. She's demanded that I come out for a visit after the baby comes, so of course I will. Wouldn't miss the chance to go visit in fact.

My sister Teresa has moved to Denver with her boyfriend. She's doing well there. Working and saving her money for a visit to Texas. :-) Mary is also doing well. She's taking a photography class this semester and is so excited about it.

My family is doing well. Dad will go see his heart doctor soon and will hopefully have his heart surgery soon after that. Mom and I are going on vacation to Vail soon. Yay! I'm gearing up for the Tri-State Fair's annual photography competition. I've got two pictures picked out. I need to pick out three more. It's so hard!

One break needed please!

2008-07-22T10:02:00.004-05:00

I just need to catch a break these days. Things haven't been going really wrong. But nothing, NOTHING, has been going easy. I just need, for once, to get to take the easy path through something.

Let me give you an example so you know what I'm talking about. A friend, who keeps a horse at my house, offered to work our little riding area with the tractor on his day off -- fluff up the dirt, etc. But can he do that, no. Because my pickup is parked in front of the tractor and I can't move it. Why can't I move my truck? Because two days ago, my father moved it for me and took home my keys. And can't seem to remember to bring them back to me. Even though he's been out to my house.

Everything keeps going like this. I want to keep my cat outside and my neighbor's cat keeps attacking her. So I put her in at night and worry all day that she's not going to be able to keep away from him.

All I want to do is come home from work and ride a horse. Maybe read a book. Have a good dinner. But no. I have to go to a club meeting, then work on a slower than Christmas computer, trying to finish up a freelance design project until 10:15. And I have everything I need to solve the slow computer problem, but no time to do it. Because my family wants to cook out at my house tonight. So once again, no relaxing ride on my horse and good book while the sun sets.

Now, I'm not saying I won't enjoy the time with my family, I will, but I need a break. I need some time to do what I want to do. I need some me time. I need, just for an evening, to not do what other people need/want/expect me to do. I just need a break. I need time to stop so I can get caught up. I need a massage. I need a guy who loves me to hug me and make me believe everything will be alright. I need someone to care about what I need. Just a little bit. I need someone to say, let me help you, you seem so stressed out. Let me carry some of your burden for you for a while.

It doesn't help things that I hurt all the time now because I'm forced to over extend myself to stay on top. So I'm tired, because I can't sleep well when I hurt. I'm behind in everything, which stresses me out and makes it even harder to sleep. And then because of everything weighing on me I'm short with everyone around me, which makes me feel bad and makes me more stressed. And then, in the rare moments when I do count on someone to help me out, they don't, they just disappoint me again. You can only have the people you love, the people who are supposed to support you, fail on you so many times before you learn the only one you can count on is yourself.

I read the dedication in a book last night. It said thanks to the author's father for his unconditional love and support. And I said to myself, I wonder what that's like, having unconditional love and support from a parent. Cause my mother keeps redoing stuff in my house because she thinks I can't even arrange anything right, I guess. And my father shoots down every single idea I have because apparently I'm stupid in his eyes. So I wonder, what it's like to have parents who support you, even if they think you're nuts. I wonder what it's like to have parents who have faith in you and your ability to take care of yourself.

So I need to catch a break. I need my mom to back off and let me live my life. I need my dad to stop treating me like an idiot child. I need someone to reach out and love me. I need someone to help me carry some of the burdens in my life. I just need to catch a damn break.

Scary email sent...check

2008-07-14T15:43:00.003-05:00

Today I sent the hardest email I've ever had to send (to date at least). I email my b-mom Cathy and asked about my b-dad. From the adoption records I have, I know that she never told him about me. And so far she's only mentioned him once. I know that he's probably a touchy subject. But I want to know about him and she's the key to that. I don't even know his last name so I'm hoping she can give me that much. I hope that she'll tell me more. About what he was like and that he was a good guy. I hope he wasn't just a jerk that she just happened to sleep with. So everyone, keep me in your thoughts. Or keep Cathy in your thoughts. I'm just waiting, she has the hard job. And expect a blog about her response when I get it. :-)

Moving on and growing up

2008-07-10T16:45:00.005-05:00

Recently I had the chance to see someone I hadn't seen in close to 8 years. This person was always a good friend, but I always hoped that he'd see me as something more. I was just over the moon for him for years in college. And after college I still thought of him. He was haunting me. I'd get bits of news about him from fellow friends. About two years ago or so he moved back to the area and started training horses. The stupid college girl in me was hopeful yet again. A friend has been riding with him, getting help with her young horse. Last week she invited me to come out to his place with her. So I went, under the premise that I wanted to get in some practice time with my new camera. (Which I really did.) Well, let me say, it was nice to see the guy. It was. But I couldn't be more happy to say that there was nothing. No more heart skipping a beat. Nothing. I was able to take a hard look at his life and see that it was what he was supposed to have. That he's on the right path. I'm happy for him. Cause he's a great guy and deserves nothing but the best. I guess this means that I'm on the right path too cause I don't feel like I'm missing anything by not being with him. It was a great night. And I got this awesome picture too.

2008-07-10T16:44:00.002-05:00

The house is done. Yup. Done. No more painting. No more repairs. No more home improvement for this girl for a long time. Check out the photo tour I made below. Enjoy!!!

A Photographic Tour of my new house

2008-07-10T16:43:00.001-05:00

My cat and her boyfriend

2008-05-29T10:14:00.007-05:00

My cat has a boyfriend. That's right. She's getting serious about him too. He's over at our house at every meal. But she's bossy and doesn't share her food. Check the picture. See what I mean? He's my neighbor's cat Howard. CC & Howard. Has a nice ring doesn't it? Every morning and every evening, when I step out the back door to feed the horses, they're waiting. CC meows and talks the whole time. Howard looks at me like I have 3 heads and fangs. (He's a little shy.) This morning I even was greeted with CC staring in my bedroom window at me. Yes, I jumped when I opened the mini blinds to her. But so did she. She and Howard have also picked a favorite spot to relax each evening after dinner. Under my rose bushes. You can see how shy Howard is in the picture. He's hiding from the crazy lady with the camera.

Good things

2008-05-08T15:03:00.005-05:00

So it's be a while since my last blog. The getting settled in the new house thing has been kicking my butt. In fact I'm wearing myself out so much that I'm taking off on a mini vacation with some friends next weekend. Things are going well in my world though. The horses are pretty well settled in. I still have some unpacking of their stuff to do, but will finish that up this weekend. The house is coming together. I'm planning to do some painting soon. One room just needs to be freshened up. The turquoise cave (aka the guest bathroom) needs a total repaint. I want to paint the ceiling of the library baby blue. It's so pretty and vaulted that I want to highlight it. And I'm going to paint the master bedroom too. A light, leafy green. I know. Lofty goals. But it will happen. Would happen sooner if I wasn't going out of town, but I've got to have a break before I come undone. I'm hoping that my folks (who seem to love working on my house with me) will do some of the painting while I'm gone. But for this weekend, horse stuff has to be done. My friends the Jacobson’s have bought a place nearby and will be keeping their horses with me while they build their barn. So I have to get stuff in order at my barn before their two horses move in (in roughly two weeks).

In other news, I got a wonderful email from Cathy the other day. Makes me tear up when I read it. Everything with her and my sisters has gone so well. It's more than I ever dreamed it could be. Most days it doesn't even seem like it's really happening to me. Anyway, here's a bit of the letter:

My mother, her name is Joann, used to say to me on my birthdays and mother's "I am glad I born-ed you!" And I want you to know that as well, Jocelyn, to see you in your life now and back then with your parents makes me Very glad I born-ed YOU, too!!! You are such a wonderful surprise to find in my later (mature?) days, a person of significance, and interest with the unique qualities of an individual who has had no prior involvement with me and yet may share some characteristics and ideals. And the future holds the chance to discover new things about ourselves and each other.You are a grown woman, already shaped by your environment, your past life experiences, your ideas, your desires, your perceptions and goals...I am just thankful you came to me and that you are here in my life now and we can get to know each other and grow in our future relationship. This life I am living is a good life and you are and always have been a part of it. I can't change the past and I will always deeply regret not knowing you as a little girl, and a hormonal teenager, but your parents have had that wonderful experience and we both now benefit from the beautiful, fantastic person that is Jocelyn. Well, sweetie, I love you and hope to meet you and your folks someday soon!

Once again, I feel so blessed. For years I struggled with my faith and when I finally let go and just gave everything up to God (a little over two years ago) things just got so wonderful. I found Cathy and my sisters. I found a wonderful place to work where I'm treated with respect and kindness. I've made friends I wouldn't trade the world for. I've found friends I thought I'd lost. I was lead to a house that made my fondest dream come true. It's just amazing how much better life is when you stop trying to force everything and just follow God's path. I can't wait to see what is around the next bend!

Love to you all!

Home!

2008-04-29T21:02:00.002-05:00

The horses have come home! Yay! That's Gypsy in the lead there followed by Tryke. Sweet old JB is bringing up the rear. They are so happy in their new place. In the dark out my window I can almost see their silhouettes against the sky. They are way out in the back of the pasture, happy as can be. And I am so happy to have them home. I only wish tomorrow was Saturday so I could spend the whole day with them.

The new house!!!

2008-04-21T12:53:00.001-05:00

Check it out everyone! That's me. In front of my new home. Yay!

The move went very well. The boxes are all stacked in the garage, waiting to be unpacked. The furniture is in the house, where it is supposed to be (at least I think so). I'll be unpacking till the world stops, but at least I'm home.

Sadly, my beloved purple couch didn't make it into the house. Literally. It wouldn't fit further than the front door. It now lives in Lamesa. I have a cousin that just bought his first home. Hope he likes purple.

I have many things I want to do to the new place. Like paint over the dark turquoise walls in the guest bathroom. I've already started. The kitchen now has brushed nickle hardware (big step up from the ugly faux brass hardware). The master bath's shower has a new shower head. The old one sprayed water everywhere but on me. Most of the other stuff I want to do will have to wait. The stable has to be readied for the horses. No more tumble weeds and ancient horse poop in the stalls. No more gaps between the walls and the ceiling. Fun things like that.

Keep tuned in to this channel for more new house news.

Later tater!

Moving on...

2008-04-14T20:36:00.001-05:00

Well, this is my last Monday night in this house. It's been home for nearly 8 years. And a wonderful home at that. So goodbye little house in the city. Goodbye neighbor lady who never leaves the house. Goodbye to the neighbor who sits at his kitchen table in underwear, suspenders and black socks. Goodbye to the lady with the yappy dogs. Goodbye to the neighbor who lives two houses from the mailbox but drives to get her mail. Goodbye to the neighbors who never pick up their papers. And hello new house in the country. Hello to having my horses in my backyard. Hello to new neighbors. Hello to unpacking, settling in and putting my mark on a new home. Hello to friends coming over. Hello to family visiting. Hello to a new chapter in my life.

Wonderful words...

2008-04-11T19:58:00.000-05:00

Today was a good day. Nice day at work. Free, yummy lunch. Got to visit with some good friends (yes, chatters and email count as visits just as much as face to face). And then, to wrap up the day, I got a wonderful email from my b-mom Cathy. It just started out as a nice, catching up email. She filled me in on her life, struggles, worries, all sorts of stuff. The kind of things you share with some one important to you who isn't a part of your daily life. She asked about my new home (moving in just 5 short day!). But the end, the end was the best part. Here, you read it too:

"But when I get news about you and all the great things you are doing I am so happy! I was so nervous when we first contacted each other and didn't know what you were like and how you would feel about me, but I now feel privileged to know you and to discover what a wonderful person you are. I can't tell you how proud it makes me feel to share in any part of your life."

Wow. Just wow. I teared up reading it the first time. I'm tearing up now, reading it again. A year ago, when I started the search for my birth family, I hoped and prayed that it would end up good. I never dreamed it would be this wonderful. I've been blessed in this life, more so than I deserve. I have a wonderful adoptive family that loves me deeply. They truly are a gift from God. And now, I've been given this wonderful birth family. That welcomes me with open arms. And a second mother who is so wonderful.

I love both my moms. And both my families. And thank God for them!

Later taters....

This whole 'love' thing

2008-04-09T08:41:00.000-05:00

I've been doing some thinking lately, as I often do. I've reached a conclusion about something. I don't understand love. Well, not love as a whole, but the kind of love that makes you want to wear fancy clothes and stand up in a church in front of God and everyone and say that you'll stand by this person for the rest of your life. I don't understand the love that makes a person want to give everything in them to another person.

I'm normally very good at putting myself in other people's shoes. Helps me to understand things I've not experienced first hand. But this is one thing that I've never been able to do that with. I don't know what that kind of love is like.

Now, I was raised in a loving home, so I do understand some parts of love. I know my parents loved me. And that they loved each other. But it was always (and still is) an implied, understood sort of love. Love is not a word heard much in my parent's home. They don't say 'I love you' often or easily. They are not openly, physically affectionate. And I do not want to be like that with people. I am slow to give love, probably because of this upbringing. But I do love. And I mean it with my whole heart when I say it.

I'd like very much to fall in love someday. To find a partner to walk through this world with. To find someone to raise a family with, to make a life with. As much as I long for this, it still scares me. Because it's the unknown. It's like stepping off a cliff and trusting that an unseen ledge will catch you.

Love is not exactly knocking on my door these days, but I hope that it will one day soon. And I hope that I won't be a big chicken and run from it when it does.

Later taters.....

Sisters????

2008-04-07T18:37:00.001-05:00

I'm adopted. Not a big deal at all. My adopted family always treated me as a blood relation. I never was less than any other family member. I belonged. But I'm a nosy chick, so I had to know about my birth family. The people that created me. So about a year ago I started to search. Now, before I go into that, I have to say my parents didn't help me in this. Didn't support me. Didn't understand why I needed to do this. But they did as they always do when I do something they don't get. They kept quiet and didn't talk about it. My parents are very Baptist. And as proper Baptist's when something is unpleasant to them, they ignore it. They don't talk about it. That's how they work. And, while I don't like it, and don't work that way myself, I accept that about them and don't try to change them. It's like talking to a wall anyway, trying to change those two. Or like herding cats. Or jelly fish. Pointless.

So, back to the search for my birth mom (b-mom from now on). Thanks to a wonderful case worker I found my b-mom. Yay. And now, we email back and forth. It's great. I have so much in common with her. Makes me feel like your likes and dislikes are partly genetic, cause I have stuff in common with her that my parents couldn't give a flip about. But that's not what this blog is about. I grew up an only child. Now I have 3 half sisters. Needless to say, my world is spinning. I've had this news for about 4-6 months now. I still have to keep telling myself. I have sisters. I have sisters. I knew I had another mother and father out there. That wasn't strange to me. Never thought about having siblings. I grew up wanting a sister so, so bad. Now I have 3.

And now I have to not be a creepy stalker. Cause two of them have myspace pages. I feel the need to go to them all the time. One is public, so I can see her pictures and such. Read about her. Read the comments from her older sister. My other sister. The pictures freak me out. Because she looks like me. All three look like me. For the first time in my life I see parts of me in other people. Cool as hell. But I'm not creepy for doing this am I? I didn't hack someone's private account or something. It's public there for the whole world to see.

I'm not creepy am I?

I'm pretending you said that I'm not.

Later taters.

Yay for sisters!

2008-03-27T14:16:00.001-05:00

Yay for sisters! Okay, so having sisters is a new thing for me, but yay none the less. I got an email from another sister this week. My sister Elaine. It was awesome. She said she’s never been anything but happy to find out about her 'new' sister. She said she hopes to get to meet me someday and wants to get to know me. It was so darn cool. Yay for sisters!

What is up with today?

2008-03-16T15:19:00.001-05:00

This day has been all over the map. First the stuff with my dad. Now, after I finish blogging about it and getting all weepy I get an email from my sister Teresa. That’s right. My sister emailed me. The nicest email from a sister ever. So I’m crying again. Happy and sad tears at once. Can you even do that? Is it possible to be this happy, sad and worried all at once? I may explode. I don’t know which emotion to go with. I’ll probably going to start crying again now. I’m such a big girl today.

Broken Hearts

2008-03-16T14:20:00.001-05:00

Today, over Sunday lunch with my parents they dropped a bomb on me. My dad has to have open heart surgery. He has a busted valve that’s making the rest of his heart work over time. Now, this won’t happen until October or so. And he’s got the best doc in town. And will have the best surgeon in town. And I know that heart surgery is really safe. The surgery he’ll have has as 98% success rate. That’s damn good. I know that. I know all that. But that’s my dad we’re talking about. The idea of losing my dad turns me into a scared little girl. As I told him, he’s taking it easy and getting better. I’m not done with him yet. But I’m still scared. So please, all of you, keep my papa in your prayers. And I promise to keep you up to date on everything going on with his health.

On a positive note, my mom, who has had heart trouble for 5 years or so is now in the best health she’s been in for 10+ years. Which is wonderful. I can only take one sick parent at a time.
Love to you all. And thank you for your prayers.

Update

2008-02-18T14:21:00.001-06:00

News! News! I have news to share. And I'm late in sharing it.

Firstly, I'm now in open communication with my b-mom Cathy. So far, we're just emailing back and forth. But that's okay. Still doing the one step at a time thing. It is cool how much we have in common. And we're both all about the random info. Switching subjects without warning. Stuff like that.

Speaking of switching subjects.....

Next batch of news. Sold my house!!! I'm buying a place out in the country. Yay! I get to have my horses with me. It's a longer drive to work, but I don't care. It's a small price to pay for making a dream come true. Pictures of the new place will come up once I'm moved. So you're going to have to wait a few months. I don't close on the new place until April. My folks are helping me pay for it and we have to wait for a CD to mature. Hence the wait until April. Expect to get invited to a house warming party at a later date.

Okay, third bit of news. My boss quit and I've been moved up into her job. Well, a portion of her job at least. All the advertising is now mine. It's cool. But busy.

Well, kids. That's all for now. Love to you all! God bless!