It always comes down to money

With the rapid approach of my first semester of grad school I've started sweating the tuition. About 3 grand a semester. I can't even think about what the cost books is going to be.

With the troubles with my health insurance, I've started sweating the costs of alternatives. About 2 grand a year through the University. Self insure programs start at about 5 grand a year.

You add those two up and you get me, stressed out and worried. Should I quit my job, hit my savings and bust my but to finish school quickly to lower the amount of tuition I'll have to pay? Should I keep working, take out a loan and stick to my plan of finishing in 3 years? Should I scrap grad school altogether, suck it up and stay in a job with no real future in a town I no longer want to grow old in? Should I say to hell with it all, sell my house, the horses and most of my stuff and move to Ireland like I've always wanted to do?

I've applied for, and been denied, financial aid. I've applied, and not gotten, scholarships. I'm walking into this totally on my own.

Now, I'm a realistic person, so I know, that at age 34, the odds of me finding a husband are slim to none. I'm okay with that. In fact I gave up on the idea of one person for everyone a long time ago. But right now, I wish I'd settled years ago for a guy that was close enough, just so I'd have someone in my life that has my back, both financially and emotionally. Facing such a huge challenge and a life change all on my own is daunting at best. And now, when the cost of things as me rattled to my core, I'm ready to give up and run for cover.

The one thing I do know is, I'm not living the life I want for myself. I know that I'm not using my brain and my talents to the best of my ability. And that's the reason God gave them to me. So something has to change so I can become the person He wants me to be. I know I have to press on and face these challenges. But I'm going to admit, just this one time, I'm scared as hell about all this. And I don't know if I'm going to come out okay on the other side. And I hate that.

In the end, it all comes down to money. Really, the lack of money. Because if I just had more in savings, or less bills, or a higher income, or some financial aid, or a scholarship or some other magic thing to help, I know I'd be just fine.