Recently, I went to see the movie Love and Other Drugs. It's a great film. If you haven't seen it, I'd go. The main theme of the movie is love overcoming obstacles. The female lead has a chronic illness - Parkinson's. And the movie shows the strain her illness places on both her and her boyfriend. At one point in the movie the couple is attending a Parkinson's support group. The boyfriend is talking to the husband of a woman with Parkinson's. When he asks for advice, the older man tells him to leave and find himself a healthy woman. And at that moment, all my fears about dating and relationships came to the surface.
As someone who has struggled with a chronic illness (Rheumatoid Arthritis) since childhood, I don't have a normal relationship to look back upon. I've never been well so I don't know what it's like to have normal interactions with a man. Every relationship I've always had has been tainted by RA. When I try to hide it from the man I'm dating things go badly. When I'm upfront about it, things start better, but the men always seem to disappear the first time I flare up and they see that I really am sick.
When that man said to find a healthy woman, he spoke the words I'd always feared. Because I know that is probably why most of my brief relationships have ended. Hearing someone acutally say that cut me to the core. It makes me feel that the life that lays before me will be lonely. Because I can't become a healthy woman. And real life isn't like Hollywood. There isn't a guy like the boyfriend around every corner. Most will run and look for a healthy woman rather than stay and watch the person they love suffer and struggle day after day, year after year.
My online support system, The RA Chicks, has a discussion board. And there's a post right now about this very subject. And reading the comments shows me that my fears are not unfounded. Women are talking about ending marriages, engagements and such because of their RA. Husbands leave. Boyfriends leave. Friends leave. RA never leaves.
Reading the discussions on RA Chicks haven't made me less fearful of trusting a potential partner. But they have made me feel a little better. Because at least now I know I'm not the only single woman with RA out there struggling, and often failing, to find someone to love.
RA is a hard thing to live with. And I don't want to ask someone to be part of my life and my struggles. Because I know how it can tear you down. But it sure would be nice if someone wanted to be part of my life anyway. It would be nice if someone would look at me, all sick and broken, and say "I don't care. I'm not walking away. I'm going to stay and walk beside you and help you." I hope someday to find that person, even though the odds are against me.
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